Wouldn't It Be Nice

That is the song that will be stuck in my head today.  Weekend was excellent. Breakfast with the parents, farmer's market, kite festival, lunch with husband, yard work, and I got to hang this beauty:

We got our new porch back in May and I'm still painting it as energy and time allow. I love the bird watching, grilling, and reading I do out there. It is my little escape. The chandelier has been the perfect addition thus far. I even managed to start on my little succulent garden. She is kinda puny at the moment, but I look forward to seeing how she grows.

I have plans for this week. Going to try to get back to the gym, do some detoxing.
I have this mental exercise I do every morning when I wake up. Having "lyme brain" causes forgetfulness and confusion more than I am willing to admit. I may forget something that happened years ago or I may forget what I was talking about mid sentence. Almost always forget where I park. I've always been a chatter box, but I find myself more and more just sitting in silence. Afraid of what I may sound like to others, I just keep my trap closed. Friends and family understand. The general public doesn't. I can see it in their face. Like either I am too wrapped up in my self to care, or I'm the girl who is "really starting to lose it".

The morning drill for me consist of me opening my eyes, taking my thyroid pill, and laying there and making a run through: What day is it, year, address, my name, my husbands name, all of my children, their birthdays, important days. I try to run through recent events. How far back can I go with my dinner. What did I eat last night, and the night before, what about the night before that? Then I scavenge for a few memories. Sometimes it is a little foggy, but they all come to me. Except dinner. I do good if I can go back 2 nights. I usually do not get past 3. Some days I am on point. I'm quick with the drill and know it will be a day of clarity. Others it is a little slow. This morning was heartbreaking.

Husband was getting ready for work. I could hear him in the bathroom. I rolled over to take my pill with my water. I rubbed my eyes, and moved enough to listen to all my joints pop and creak, Then I started. Today is Monday. Tyler Scott, Macy Elizabeth, Kenneth Ray, Amber Lynn, Elyse Nicole.
Birthdays are as follows. We made pizza on the grill last night and watched Netflix. The night before I didn't eat dinner. My husband is Kenneth Ray. We have been married for 6 years. WHO IS HE???? I know who he is. He is my husband. He isn't a stranger, but who is he?????? Where are our memories??? Does he love me? Who is he??????

NO! This isn't happening. Quick, my parents. Sandra and Gary. My brother and all his family........Got it. What the HELL is happening????

He is coming out of the bathroom. Close your eyes, Adrienne. Stop crying. He is going to come tell you goodbye and he doesn't need to think anything is wrong. Stop CRYING!!!

He knew though. He ran through memories with me, asking me if I remember our cruises. (I remember them, but I can't REMEMBER them). He asked if I remembered his marriage proposal and where we ate afterwards. Yes! He asked if I remembered how much he loves me. No. I don't know him enough right now to know how he feels, his likes and dislikes. I'm so confused. This sucks. He compared us to the movie 50 First Dates. I remember that. Made me laugh. Told me that if he has to remind me every morning he will.


Now, I have the scene stuck in my head where he plays the video for her each and every morning to the Beach Boys song Wouldn't It Be Nice.  At least something is sticking right?

OH POOP! I have eggs boiling. I'll be right back.

I obviously have mashed potatoes for brains right now. I'm sad. This isn't fun. I figured I had better blog quick before I forget. Like forgetful Lucy.  This has to be equally upsetting for him.  Lyme isnt fair. Not to the person infected or the family coping. I try to find humor in everything. I wish I had something more uplifting to share in closing. I apologize. Time for a neurologist visit and another MRI I suppose. One thing I do know is how much I love my husband. How blessed am I to have a man that is willing to take the time to be late so that he can talk me through our past? Blessed indeed.

When It Rains (Literally and A Matter of Figurative Speech)

Texas got hit hard in the rain department in May and beginning of June. So much that our lakes and rivers that have been suffering drought for the past several years are back up. Great for business. Sadly, it came at the expense of some lives and damages. Here are a few Texas sized statistics to help you fathom just how much record-breaking rain we had just in May alone.

So, you see there was a bunch. We do everything big here. Go big or go home.

Our home was spared flood waters. Despite our backyard looking like a pond. We had a snake. I should say SNAKE. Cause it was big. A good size turtle. Oh there was a blue heron out there one day too. That either means we had small fish or the heron mistook our land for a body of water.

We did end up with some water in the house though from the constant non-stop run off from our roof on the back patio. It came in through the back door. I had told my husband I could smell mold. Mold and Lyme are symbiotic. As El Nino set it and the rains let up, things started to dry out. We had to first tackle the water coming in the house. Hubster built a covered porch. I LOVE IT. * hashtag props*.(so that worked out.) We then had to fix the threshold to the french doors as the other was rotted and then remove our entire livingroom floor. Some of the smell was in the kitchen cabinets as well, so the ALL needed a fresh painting and relining of shelving anyway. So, a month later we have a new porch, a fresh kitchen, no mold, and a beautiful new living laminate floor in teak. My husband was even able to take some time to make a quick trip to our favorite river, the Guadalupe, for a whitewater rafting experience. For the past 3 years that river has ran under 100 CFU's give or take and the first day we drove up, his trip was actually cancelled and the CFU's was over 6000. He ended up rafting at about 3400.

It has been refreshing to say the least, to be able to breath the fresh air in the house. I have been moving much better for now. The flair ups seem to be at bay (keeping with the water theme).

As the month of June started to wind down and we transitioned into July, we have entered with heavy hearts. We had to lay down our family boxer, Arabelle, the Monday after July 4th. She was 11 years old.

I did not have the pleasure of coming into her life until she was 4 years old, as my husband had her before he and I met, but for the past 7 years her and I spent every day together. She slobbered, she passed gas like an old man, she would stink, she would scale a fence, she would get into the trash, she would snore so loud that our walls would rattle. I would sometimes get up to lay on the couch at night because of the snoring in my room (I will not name any names). Only to be welcomed with more snoring from the sweet pup.

Our youngest daughter once asked, "Daddy, why does Arabelle snore?"  "Because she's fat." He replied. To which she sassed back with, "Is that why you snore?"

She was the dog from sandlot. She looked ferocious and probably would have been if tested, but never snapped. Just slobbered and licked. In her mind she was the worlds smallest lapdog. She walked you. You didn't walk her. She had been through heat stroke, cancer and as of 6 months ago a larynx that was collapsing.

When it was steak night for us, it was steak night for her too, and she knew it. She would patiently wait for us to finish so she could devour hers in a split second.

I'm still having the most difficult time adjusting to the silence. She was soooo loud! I want to run home and let her outside, wake up and take care of her. Feel her stare at me when I watch TV. But we had to let her rest. Last week she started shutting down. She no longer could eat or drink. We continued to offer through the weekend and even Monday morning one last time. Saturday morning, under my new porch, her and I were outside. I was having my coffee and reading. She just laid by my feet. Sunday morning, I got on the floor with her. Talked to her. She just looked at me. Placed her paw on my shoulder. Like she was telling me it was okay. Then she went inside her kennel and laid down. We all gathered around her Monday morning. We loved her and Kenneth and I took her down and talked with our vet and made the decision. It was one of the hardest things I have ever seen my husband do. I sat on the floor with her in his lap until she fell asleep under the sedation and kissed her goodbye. I then left the room. He stayed with her through out the rest. I know we did the right thing by her. She was suffering. So, why does is hurt so damn much? I didn't think I would hurt this much. I found myself on the bathroom floor last night at about 2AM just crying. Dogs teach us unconditional love. They are so quick to forget. So quick to forgive. They do not hold a grudge for you scolding them yesterday for busting out of the kennel and eating the kitty litter (why do they even do that????). They don't plan tomorrow. They just live in the here and now. Happy.  Even on the days when they are sick. They are dying, they are living for their master. We could really learn a lot from our canine companions. My tears are free flowing right now. My heart is full of emotion. This is a pain I have never experienced before. You brought us joy you crazy dog. Go leap 20 foot fences with ease and have 40 oz porterhouse steaks. You will be missed.

Kristen Wiig Reenacts My Lyme Seizures

It's 4AM and 2 weeks later. I honestly didn't think I'd be back this soon. Insomnia hit me a few hours ago, husband is off to a side job, and the cats are in the next room playing parkour again. May as well share what brain activity I can with you while I can right now. I do my most lucid thinking in the wee hours as it seems.  So without further ado, I bring you my next entry.

They are back. There has been 3 now in the past week. Well, 3 notable. When you hear seizure you probably think I'm spitting pea soup and wonder why I'm not in the hospital and how come my licences hasn't been taken from me yet. You are thinking gran mal. Usually associated with Epilepsy. That is all I used to think of as well. I was pretty afraid when I first started getting these disruptions in my body. It was pretty frighting. I've mentioned before I can feel mine coming. I get a sense. Sometimes I just go blank, or I will have an aura headache, blinding brightness in my eyes or extreme vertigo. Sometimes all of my senses are super-powered right before it will happen. I will retreat to my room. Here lately, it is just happening. Not much of a warning. In the middle of the day, in the middle of sleep. I loose my ability to speak, to walk, to control my hands, swallow, breath. The difference between the type of seizure you may think of and the type I suffer from.....I am wide awake during the entire thing.

 A seizure is defined as uncontrolled electrical activity in the brain, which may produce a physical convulsion, minor physical signs, thought disturbances, or a combination of symptoms.

To help you better understand, I will explain the different types.While this is scary as all "le chiz" to my family who has witnessed these episodes, I have to bring a #funnynotfunny factor to the table. I also have to find a creative way to keep your attention. For this reason, Kristen Wiig is gonna help me out.


******{this is not intended to offend or discredited anyone's pain and suffering as myself am a pain and suffer just tryin to find my way and that is my disclaimer}

There are 2 categories for seizures. General (produced by the entire brain) & Partial (self-explanatory)
Under General there are 6 different types:

*Gran Mal~ This is the most serious and scary of them all. The one you are probably most familiar with. The patient becomes tonic and loses all consciousness for 30-60 seconds and violently jerks before possibly falling into a deep sleep. Most commonly associated with Epilepsy.  I have never experienced this. Thank you, Jesus!

*Absence~ cause a short loss of consciousness. This only last for a few seconds. Patients are usually not even aware that this has happened. Only that there has been a sense of a loss of time. So THAT is where my day has been going!!!! For reals. I just blank out. I'm proof it is possible to think of nothing.


*Myoclonic~sporadic jerks. Usually on both sides of the body. Patients usually with throw objects if holding them. GUILTY. Ummmm......Kenneth, Remember that time that fork went flying across the room when all I was trying to do was put some food in meh mouth?

 *Clonic~repetitive, rhythmic jerks that involve both sides of the body. Been there, done that. Wake up the next day feeling like I worked out the night before I'm so sore. Friends, these leave me spent. These are what I have most commonly.


*Tonic~stiffining of the muscles. My kids got to witness this in my hand just this past weekend. The day after I had a Clonic. Not to be confused with a colonic.


*Atonic~sudden and general loss of muscle tone, usually limbs. Normally results in fall. The only time I have had a problem with this one has been when I have been doing some major herxing and I just lose all muscle control. I cannot even feed myself when I get to this state.



 Partial seizures are divided into simple and complex and secondary generalized. The difference between simple and complex is that with simple, patients maintain awareness whereas complex, they lose awareness.

This area affects the motor skills, the senses, memory, emotional disturbances. Jerking, spasms, and so on.
It is not uncommon for more than one of these to occur at a time. ANY of the above.

THYROID ULTRASOUND tomorrow. It has been 2 years since my partial. If I have a clean report, I'm G2G.  I visit a new doc next week and keep pressing forward. This solitude thing is a little more somber than what I figured it would be. I mean. I think the crickets can hear crickets. 2 weeks no social media now. I'm learning stuff. Life.

Well, this is all for now. I'm off to heal today. Kristen and myself thank you and wish you a sunny weekend.


      

An Open Letter

Day one:

I don't often go back and reread my past posts. My mind is becoming more and more clouded these days, therefore I did this time. My emotional state has not changed much. My heart hurts now more than ever. Not a day goes by that tears do not meet my cheeks. I'm broken. I am defeated. I do not expect you to understand.

This past week my daughter had her high school end of the year choir show. An hour before we were to leave I was downing water and laying back after a bath in hopes of easing my tremors and the brain rattles I was having. I'm walking in a constant nightmare right now. I stepped out into public. This was a first for me. I have always hidden away when these episodes hit. They are just running into each other anymore. Too much for me to stay locked away. This was not an easy thing to do. The people, The sounds. The overload. I had to sit very still holding my arms as tight as I could at one point or I would have started having some major twitches. My husband wiped the tears from my face as I pinned my limbs and let my hair fall hiding my face from my parents sitting on the other side of me.

We left early out the side door before it was over to avoid everyone.

This is it guys. Friends, foes, family, strangers.....whoever you are reading this. I am not well. I am tired. Tired of the show, Tired of repeating myself. Tired of the pain. Tired of trying to please everyone. Tired of the madness. Tired of the bad news. Tired of being taken for granted. Tired of caring about some of you too much. Tired of smiling.

It hurts to walk, it hurts to turn over in bed, it hurts to breath. This is mentally taxing.

 I      am      depleted.

..........hold on.....I was just asked to come help and climb a ladder.......case and point........

My intentions are always to blog more. My life is full of distractions. Then when I do have time, I feel like a vegetable. I do not mean that to be cruel before you start thinking of me as insensitive. My brain is mush sometimes and all I can do is sit and stare. I do not have a conventional blog in which I am giving weekly dating advice or reviews on products. It isn't always easy for me to put into words how I'm feeling or what is going on. Sometimes I wonder if you really care. I see some of the crap that falls across the feed of my social media that some of you believe and subscribe to, but yet, you just pass me by. I'm someone who is real. You can talk to me, see me, touch me, pinch me.

As I have mentioned I was pretty ill at the beginning of the year and it has only gotten worse. I have started seeing the docs again, back on a few meds, rounds of labs and blood work, tests,.....as I was preparing to go back into battle, I was putting my binder of medical paperwork back into order. Looking over past lab levels and whatnot when I ran across something that my LLMD had ran that I have not shared with any of my other doctors and I just passed right over. Something detrimental and something that just blew me up against the wall as if I needed anything else.

Highlight-circled-and hand written notes: MTHFR two copies of the same mutation A1289c

Day two:

I am finding myself "nesting". I have been going through from room to room clearing out every corner. As I can. Organizing seems to be the only thing I have any control over right now. We made a trip to the recycle center today. I drug a bench that was in our back yard. As soon as I was finished dragging it a full maybe 10 yards I collapsed in tears in a melt down. Something isn't right. This is the third time in a week this has happened. I'm losing all control. I'm the strongest right now I will ever be. It is becoming painfully relevant.

MTHFR A1289c. I'm born with it. My body cannot convert folate or B12. It is vital for restructure of cells and detoxification. I'm sick on top of sick. Have been my whole life. The Lyme intensifies it. This increases chances of cardiovascular diseases and cancers.

Possible conditions associated with A1298C MTHFR mutations:

• fibromyalgia
• chronic fatigue syndrome
• autism
• depression
• insomnia
• ADD/ADHD
• irritable bowel syndrome
• inflammatory bowel syndrome
• erectile dysfunction
• migraine
• Raynaud’s
• cancer
• Alzheimer’s
• Parkinson’s
• recurrent miscarriages

So, you can only imagine my frustration now as I do not know what is MTHFR related (and yes, it does kinda look like an acronym for something) and what is Lyme related. I'm only left to constantly treat each symptom/disease/condition as I have it. This is a stress factor in itself. 

No one really asks anymore so I haven't shared. My last set of labs showed elevated blood platelets. They've gradually climbed over the past set of labs. Along with a lower than normal body temperature, there is reason for concern. I predict a hematologist in my future. 

You will see me in public. You may see me at the gym. Please be my friend. Do not pressure me into taking a class or pushing myself to go hard. I'm doing the best I can to take care of me. You may see me out having dinner with my husband. On a rare occasion anymore with a friend having dinner. Do not judge me and think I am well enough to go out. No. I am making the best of my time. I want to enjoy life just as much as the next person. You may see me at the store. I may not talk. I may even avoid you. Do not take it personal. I honestly, may not be able to speak coherently that day......I may not remember your name and I may be ashamed. 

On this I close. I'm very saddened currently. My heart is heavy. My life outside of sickness has not been easy lately. I have carried a lot of burden. I have been hurt deeply just this past week and am beside myself. For those reasons you will not find me on the social media platforms you are used to contacting me on.  I have removed myself from them. The emotional strain some of this has taken on me is not conducive to me trying to move forward in reclaiming my health. I may or may not be around here. I am not sure at all what direction I am headed in right now or how long or deep this road is going to be. Blogging may be difficult or I may find it to be the perfect outlet. For only time will tell. 

"They tell me to stay strong, but they don't know what it feels like to feel so weak."

You Fight and You Survive (Emotional Well-Being)

I am sleepless in Texas. Again and again and again. Combination of stress and snoring I'm sure keeping me awake all night long. I'm used to the tossing and turning, but this not getting one minute of sleep all night stuff is not the business. This is the second time in a week this has happened. The "cup half full" aspect is that I should surely sleep well tonight.

Weather is getting warmer and I'm moving better. Back into the land among the living. Not feeling like a smelly, deteriorating extra on Walking Dead currently, so that is a thumbs up. Playing catch up mostly. So many things I like to do this time of the year when coming out of hibernation. Getting the yard ready, sprucing up the house, sunroof and SUN. It has got to be certain to lighten everyone's mood around here. The gym and the sauna has done great things for my mood and joints the past few weeks. There have been a few other changes as well that I will touch on in a future post to follow this post. Good days, bad days. That is not why I am here and I need to get back to my story if I want to get it out before I forget my point. I have been wanting to get this out of my mind for a few days.

The internet is flooded with what doc to see, what forum to join, what homeopathic reliefs are best, diets, awareness, articles, etc...  What isn't spoken of often is the mental and emotional side to the disease. It is quite lonely at first. You are so lost. Doctors have no clue what you are talking about. Yes, I have educated some doctors on what Lyme is. Other doctors pretend to know and insist that with 6 weeks of antibiotics you are cured.  I have been blessed with a Lyme specialist doctor, and another doctor who I also consider a friend who is aware and understanding of my disease.

I haven't always been the most pleasant person to be around. I have had my fair share of face first falls and regrets. Whether it was the way I treated others, or wanting revenge on those who did me wrong. I've been hated and I've been guilty of hating. I've been bitter. I have done and said things to others that deeply shames me now looking back. Finding out just how sick you are changes those things.

HATE I had no more time for it. I had to forgive. Even those who may not be deserving of it or never to this day apologized. I had to make peace for myself. My body needs every bit of energy to fight off the bad. Not welcome it.

BITTERNESS Kind of goes hand in hand with the hate right? Yes and no. Hate is deep. Bitterness is when the person that has caused the hate tries to make an attempt to make things right and you do not care. You cannot dig deep enough to understand that persons side and forgive. It spills over to others. Causes you to treat everyone with discontentment. It isn't healthy. Sick or not sick. I no longer had space for this in my heart. My heart became full of fight for my family.

TIME It is of the essence. None of us are promised tomorrow. Not even our next breath. Oh, the things we take for granted. It is just human nature for the majority to just wake up and go through the motions until something tragic happens to someone or themselves. Something that causes you to sit back and reevaluate your path and very reason for existence.  Time became very precious to me. I will Carpe the hell out of the Diem now. Make the most of now. Be present.

LIFE I tell everyone I talk to that comes to me with problems to "pick and chose your battles."  There are just some things not worth it in life. I recently just had to ignore and walk away from a situation because the person was someone that cannot be reasoned with. It would have been a waste of my TIME.  What is worth fighting for? What is worth letting go of? If it is petty, toss it out into the proverbial goodwill pile. Picking a small battle to fight can lead to hate, bitterness, loss of time, and will deeply affect your life.

LOVE with all your heart. I love until it hurts. I lose sleep because I love so much. I want so much for my children. I do not know how long I will be around to see them fulfill those hopes and dreams. I love my family, my friends. I love my husband. Oh, for everyone to experience the love we have for each other. I watched Interstellar last night. Good movie. Mind blown. One of the things mentioned in the movie is how powerful love is. How it connects us no matter how long ago or how far into the future. Even when someone has passed on, you can still love them. It runs deeper than an emotion.

ENERGY This is one I am still learning to balance. With all of the above mentioned, it can deplete you completely of energy or it can leave you fully recharged and ready for the next day. Depending on where you place that energy. The physical side of my body has learned to rest when I need to. Take time out. Stay in bed. It is okay. The emotional side of me is still a work in progress. Something that is a personal battle with not feeling like I'm doing my part as a wife and mother unless I'm busting my butt to make everything happen. I'm not a good enough friend because I am spent by the end of the day.

Treat others with respect and dignity. Stop hating. Love. Let go of what doesn't matter. Stop being so bitter because you were dealt a bad hand. We all have battles that no one fully understands. That doesn't mean they should be punished for it. Ignore those who you cannot understand. Forgive those who do not always ask for forgiveness. Simplify. Positive energy. Stop judging others based on assumptions. Show common courtesy and compassion upon others. Ask for grace and humility.

These are the things I had to do first. These things I will always have to practice. As ebb changes so does the flow. My earthly body may not ever be 100% well again, but it shouldn't stop be from becoming better within my heart and soul.



                                                                                                               

Savvy Spring Containers (dollar store project)

I am ready for spring already! The warmth is welcoming to joint pain and cold blood.  This has been a very cold winter for even the Gulf Coast and it isn't over yet! I'm a little more among the land of the living the past few weeks. Reasons for the quietness on the blog. I am slowly catching up. When I first started blogging, I had a different page. My focus shifted to this one, and I'm doing good to keep up with what day it is and when the last time I shaved my pits or washed my hair was right now let alone 2 blogs. I have hopes to blend the 2 of them together. This is after all a blog about living with Lyme as a wifey and mama. So, the following may look familiar to some of you. With Spring right around the corner (sike. it's gonna be 35 degrees Thursday), I know I'm ready for flowers and fresh herbs. This project is something anyone can easily afford to do while waiting for the Earth's axis to begin it's tilt towards the sun. 

The containers and foam letters were picked up at Dollar Tree. Herbs and spray paint at Lowes. 

The plain container was found in the garden/floral section.

In the craft section was a bunch of sticky foam letters.

Stick these lil babies on spelling out whatever you are wanting. 

Spray paint the whole container. DO NOT forget to
drill a few holes in the bottom for water drainage.

So pretty!

Drinking Your Calories (Juicing and Liquid Diets)

Juicing and green drinks seems to be the craze right now. Do you know this person? I'm guilty as charged. I think when they made this video I was their inspiration. 

A couple of years ago I did a 21 day detox.  The first part was a 3 day juice followed by 18 days of fruits and vegetables.  I already have adapted a gluten-free lifestyle, so the adjustment of giving up all of the processed foods and simple carbs wasn't a huge hurdle for me. More recently, I did (and will be repeating once a month for as long as I can) a 10 day green smoothie detox. With this being the beginning of the year, I know there are a lot of you looking to jump start your diet or you are looking for a healthier you.  Nutrition is key. As someone with sensitivities, I pay dearly when I eat poorly. By poorly, I mean breads, pasta, sweets, soda, iced tea, too much dairy.  I may not be taking in enough calories right now due to total lack of appetite with this current flair, and that is a different subject for a different day. It is the weekend and I do not feel like being judged on something I preach. So, do as I say not as I do and we will be BFF's foreva.

So, what are the benefits of liquid diets? I found that by slowly eliminating certain foods from my diet that I rid my body of wanting them.  I see a reduction in water retention, re-flux and or heartburn, cramps, clearer skin, you may even notice inflammation relief and better sleep.  You will see a typical weight loss of probably 5-10 lb so that's a bonus right? The gut gets a much needed break from breaking down all of those solids. Nutrition is immediately delivered to the right places in our body and we are able to quickly release what is not needed.

So, which do I prefer? Well they both allow you to eat. The 21 day can not be modified. You have to stick to the exact diet. The first 3 days can be a challenge since you are juicing every meal. When juicing you also lose a lot of the fibrous nutrients and some of the vitamins found in the skins or meal of our fruits and veggies. Juicing is strictly keeping the liquid and spitting out the rest of the fruit or vegetable. When blending.......you are retaining the key nutrients and it is also helping you to stay fuller longer. Now, the 21 day detox, you only juice for the first 3 days and then you are on a vegetarian diet the next 18 days. The 10 day detox you are drinking at least 2 out of 3 meals. I found the 10 day easier to stick to and the husband even participated.

Equipment needed for juicing? A juicer. Can be messy too. Equipment needed for green smoothies? A Nutribullet (although it may take a little while to mix it all up due to the size) or a high powered blender. I use a ninja. Vitamix is also recommended.

Pinterest also has a plethora of tips and recipes.

PLEASE NOTE , when juicing DO NOT use the apple seeds.  Apple seeds when ingested are known to release Cyanide into the body.

21 Day Detox-

3 Day Juice Recipe

5 carrots
1/2 green apple
4 oz (hand full) spinach
4 oz parsley
1/2 red beet 
1 cucumber
(1/2 lemon, slice of ginger root, or walnuts may be added for flavor)

For 3 days drink 16-24 oz 3 times a day as a meal replacement.
Drink lots of water. You may juice as often as necessary. 

The next 18 days consume fruits and vegetables. A boiled egg per day may be consumed for protein. No dairy, no alcohol, no sugar or sugar substitutes, no coffee, sodas, etc...Herbal teas may be consumed. 8-10 glasses of water a day (or just water jug chug). Olive oil and vinegar for salad dressing. Feel free to add lemon, lime, cucumber, and mint to your water. This helps aid in flushing. 


10 Day Green Smoothie Detox-

This is a PDF and due to the fact that it was given to me, I only email copies of this out. It is 100% free. No catch. I promise. If you are interested in obtaining it from me, you can just email me Here 


I'm happy for the weekend. Tomorrow is not only Valentine's Day, but also my 6th Anniversary. I'm very blessed to be celebrating love day with him. He is my rock. My biggest support and fan. The days I think I can't make it or I cannot walk, he is there to literally carry me. He has sacrificed more than I ever have or will deserve. He is who tells me "Yes you can." when I say "No I can't." I love him so.

Claritin Sees Profits Skyrocket

I'm sure most of the Lyme community has by now seen the article discussing the study conducted involving Claritin. If you missed it you can click HERE to read it.

Now, I'm not going to run out and load up on loratadine just yet, but if they are looking to move past the test tube and are ready to study the effects on people, then I'll be your Huckleberry.

What I do predict is a super-loratadine in the future. I have already shared this thought with some of my fellow Lymies. Claritin is currently OTC (over the counter). Well, that isn't going to work for the pharmaceutical and insurance companies. After all, they are the ones who have made it damn near impossible for a Lyme patient to acquire affordable treatment.

Basically, the loratadine causes blockers which causes the bacteria to starve.
I currently attempt to starve the pesky bacteria by not consuming gluten and sugars. My love for (and the 12 bottles that my husband has shipped to us every 3 months) of red wine and the occasional pizza sometimes gets in the way of that.  Who doesn't love a little fatness in their life from time to time?

In other news: Spring needs to be on it's way. My tree in my front yard is full of budding little pollen balls. There has been sunshine the past few days. Allowing me to get out and move a little more. Although, there was a report of us falling back into the 30's next week. I'm over it already. I don't cry over spilled milk, but I did cry over the cold front approaching. I'm becoming quite cantankerous.
I feel like I'm just banging my head against the brick now. Not only am I having to live day to day. So does my family. It's all we are given though right?

This post is going to be short today. Almost as short as my tolerance has become. So in closing. I was scrolling through my Instagram a bit ago and another Lymie posted a picture and it reminded me to address it. Peeps, doctors, and countrymen.....it is called Lyme. NOT Lyme's. It is not possessing anything except my body. It is not named after someone. Just Lyme.

Making Zucchini Cheese (Try At Your Own Risk)

Am I the only one that can get lost in the streaming never-ending universe of Pinterest pinning?  It is my go to. You can link up to shop, find out how to organize any nook and cranny of your house, learn how to build a tiny home, the perfect cat eye eyeliner and even build and outdoor kitchen for under $100 with some recycled toilet paper rolls and an old oven rack. Okay. Perhaps I'm stretching the last one out a bit. But you can do some pretty wicked cool art with those left over toilet paper rolls according to this pin here.

And while I enjoy the art of re purposing, there are somethings I'd rather just throw out with the rest of the biodegradable possibilities.
What does any of this have to do with Lyme or Zucchini you ask? I'm getting to that. Just humor me for a few more lines.
When you search for toilet paper roll art you may come across toilet paper origami. I chase rabbits. Pinterest allows it. This just might be something I take up on my days when I can only lay. How rad would this be for a party trick? Just leaving random tp flowers in every one's bathroom. Move over little sanitary paper triangle.

Back to my subject. I am really big on healing my gut right now. Lyme bacteria loves sugar and wheat products. I am doing my best to put the good stuff in. I'd say about 90% of the time. Whole foods. Natural foods. No sugar no gluten wagon type stuff. So, I have seen several pins of interest about the glorified cheese textured zucchini. I do not do raw zucchini. My mama used to put them in salad. What a let down when you think it's a crisp refreshing cucumber only to find out that it is a crunchy tasteless impostor. It wasn't until going sans gluten did I start eating it again. Even in my tortilla soup I will push it to the side. Now as a noodle sub using the Veggetti the green squash cucumber doppelganger is the bomb.

So, why not as cheese? Simple enough. Looks yummy enough. I accept the challenge. Here is the popular pin Zucchini Cheese for those interesting. Pretty right? Adorned with an anti-pasta background.

i mean, imagine being able to eat cheese with no guilt! Time to grub. So I made mine. Even with the fresh parsley. It turned out pretty enough. You think? Nailed it right?

Now for the taste test. I didn't expect a nice Havarti or a well aged cheddar texture. What I did expect was a creamy texture similar to maybe a little teaser wedge of laughing cow. Here is what I got. You know that mouth-watering you get when.........you're fixing to vomit? I couldn't even swallow it. I don't know if it is just because my appetite is non-existent right now, the spongy gelatinous texture, or if it is actually a goopy cheesy load of crap disguised as something good for me.  I almost gagged just cutting it up to snap a presentation picture for you. The husband says it's not that bad. Well, it's not that good either. Not even a little. Have you ever tried this? Do you think you would? If you do, let me know what you think. As for me and this house, we will continue to do the dairy cheese under my other 10% of not having a totally clean diet. Somethings should just not be altered.
On a side note. Had a great weekend. Had a good cry last night. Sleeping harder than usual. I Washed and vacuumed my car today. Little achievements are big accomplishments!

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The Weight of Guilt

Ingrid Michaelson sang it so gracefully in her song titled "Keep Breathing". 

 The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing.All we can do is keep breathing 


Such a heavy-hearted feeling I am having today. Guilt and shame. As my text messages are filled with encouragement and I hear my children and family ask every day how I am doing, how tired are they all of me? I'm the doer. I am the one who is supposed to be taking care of others. I am the one who should be giving my time. Not the other way around. I've never really been good at accepting help. I am more of a "I'm good" kinda person when asked. I do not often see the point in going into detail on how things are REALLY going or what it is that I really need.

I'm sure my peers either believe I'm okay or just don't ask anymore because I'm gonna turn them down anyway.

The truth of it all is that I never intended to be a burden to anyone. My husband and I communicate throughout the day. I'm sure most spouses do. Technology makes it easy. I have realized that over the past 5 weeks now, my messages to him are how bad I hurt. That I sound like Rice Crispies when I move. I'm sick to my stomach. My head hurts so bad that my whole body has a pulse right now. Jesus, I don't know why he even asks. I'd be pretty annoyed with me if I were him. I mean, he didn't sign up for this. I'm supposed to have laundry done, a clean house, a fridge and pantry full, dinner waiting when he comes home. I should be able to do for myself all day everyday.  It is just my role as his helpmate and me staying home while he works. He tends to the job, I tend to the home. The old American June Cleaver way. Yet, here I am another day looking at a plum colored ceiling, realizing that there is no hope for daytime television even if you have over 800 channels. Resisting I am the temptation to go take a hot bath after being teased yesterday for being part mermaid. Baths are the only relief I get right now. Just give me lavender anything, my chamomile tea, and a heating pad instead.

Some reading this may or may not understand what it is like to be constantly ill.  It is deeper than just the physical pain. I feel great emotional pain too. Time is passing me by. What am I giving to others that they will remember? What work load am I easing from the shoulders of my spouse? Am I managing to be there enough for my kids? Am I making them all worry too much? The weight of the guilt and shame is heavy. Before you even say it......I know it is not my fault. I know it is out of my control. The light at the end just looks bleak right now. I appreciate simple strength and the small things I am able to do day to day. I am also blessed beyond measure if I haven't mentioned it before for the man God blessed me with. His compassion is the type we should all strive for. He loves me and my inability to be Suzy Homemaker. That is real love.

I'm certain my cats are pissed at me for not allowing them to lay with me during the day. The two of them enjoy swinging from my fan though and playing peek-a-boo from behind my curtains and as my pain tolerance is diminishing, so is my tolerance for other things. If those frisky felines were in here with me, I would have a completely different entry to write about that would probably cause PETA to come and hunt me down.

New Year Same Setbacks

It has been a while since I last posted, I have kept busy and Lyme has been something I have tried to push to the back of my mind. I spent 2014 doing many things. I started school to get my certification in Personal Training and Fitness Nutrition. I am still finishing those up. I spent a lot of time in the gym. Traveled. Two cruises and an unbelievable trip with my father and brother to the California Redwoods.  Have you ever seen the redwoods??? Holy SHMOLY! They're huge. The northern Pacific coast is a sight to behold too. I just like beaches. The scenery and sky scape is never the same. Forever changing.

Just like life.

October my shoulders started popping, I had an arthrogram MRI done on my left shoulder. It was waking me at night. I was in a lot of pain. I had just started instructing a PIYO class too. My workout game was strong. Verdict was that I had severe tendon fraying and inflammation. I stood in the kitchen and just looked at my husband and cried. We knew this was going to happen. My ligaments and tendons are going to wear down. Two years ago I had a nerve conduction test done, and the beginning of neuropathy was starting in my arms. But why now? I'm not ready. I figured I had at least a good 10 years. I have been doing everything right. Working out, eating right, taking care of myself.

I'm fixing to start collecting the tickets now for all those aboard the pity train express.
No pictures or quotes for this blog entry. Just rawness.

My workout game started dwindling. Holidays took it out of me. Always do. Week after New Years I was in bed. That is where I have spent the majority of my year since. I have not been able to work out. I have managed to save my energy for a few tasks a day. Either light housework or cooking. Soccer game. Dinner date or visiting with friends or family. Church, Even when I bathe has to be planned due to the fact that it leaves me drained. Driving has become limited. Simple skills don't just happen right now.  None of it has been easy. There hasn't been one day go by that I haven't cried because of pain and frustration. I feel lonely. It is a lonely that I do not expect anyone to understand. It isn't a lonely that can be filled with company or encouraging words.

Eating has become almost non-existent. I manage to have one meal a day. The rest of my diet has included yogurt, juicing, kombucha, keifer, and LOTS of hot tea.

The headaches and jaw pain, locked knees if I sit too long, back pain that is so bad that it makes breathing miserable, foot pain that is like walking on sharp rocks, cold blood, loss of simple motor skills at times. convulsions, and my favorite.......neuropathy. Blue toes. Numbness. It goes on and on.

I'd like to think that I still have some cognitive skills. That may even be arguable though. Just don't tell me. Oh hell, tell me. I'll forget anyway. Makes it hard for me to hold a grudge when I can't remember what it was about.

Admitting that I have relapsed hard was a very difficult thing for me to admit to myself. I'm very stubborn. Type A.

So, now what? As of now, I am detoxing like a boss. Only the good has been going in my body. When I have had anything like a gluten, I pay for it dearly. I am eating very clean for that reason. If I'm not eating, I'm at least trying to get the proper probiotics and nutrition into my body. I'm resting the majority of the day. I am taking detox baths about 3-4 times a week. Dry brushing. Just taking it day by day. The doctor is going to be making a comeback though. I am in my 5th week now of trying to do this on my own. I have been in denial.

I'm afraid. I know where I was before during treatment. I will opt for IV treatment this time around. I'm terrified actually. I am not sure I have the courage to face this. My poor family. I am so sorry. From the deepest part of my heart.