I Wish I was A Lazy Housewife

I'm having a rare moment of clarity this morning, so welcome to my brain dump. Got to take advantage of these windows while I can anymore!

I wasn't always blessed to be able to stay at home with my children. I had to work until my first born was 2 1/2 and his baby sister was 6 months. I have done my fair share of bringing in money when it needed to be brought in. In home child care, cakes, whatever the need be.  God has always provided. I had goals like any woman. I dreamed of the day when my kids would head back to school and I would myself head off to school and grab myself a diploma and a career. I've been called though. I've been called to be domesticated. It is the only thing I KNOW I'm good at. I can cook, clean, get 3 kids to 3 different places all at the same time, and still manage to wash my hair before the week is up. I do not regret for one moment momming and wifing. Heck, I've made threats to them that I will go find a job if they don't get it together or do their part.

Harsh reality, they're empty threats. I'll never be able to go back to work and hold down a job. I'm not dependable in that sense. The choice to do so has been robbed from me and replaced with disease and guilt.

I'm a type A personality. I have to control what is around me. If it starts to fall off pace, so do I. This makes it very difficult for someone with a chronic illness that has to live day to day. Just the simple stress of sitting here worrying about the fact that I need to do my laundry so my family doesn't have to do it for me (because it's my job) will send me into a sadness and flair up. I'm trying to put my focus on prayer and meditation when it comes to these things because it is so counterproductive of the goals I am trying to achieve health wise.  I am having to learn to let go, let others in to help, let change happen. It has not been an easy thing for me to accept.

I finally got into the doc. We've been waiting a few months and at the end of this month we will begin our long drives/flights to begin treatment again after 4 years.

Time to get my house in order. Literally and figuratively.

So, here is here I segway into my title.
I like Snapchat. It's silly fun. My kids are on it. My friends are on it. It's not the devil. I could go deeper into this subject, but oh look a squirrel.
I sent out some snaps early yesterday morning of me in my facemask with my hair wrapped in a towel and I'm in a bathrobe. I expected silly comments. What I didn't expect was a message that said, "I wish I had your life. As I sit here at work."
Ouch. Gut punch. Okay. I am blessed no doubt. I have great kids, super parents, a husband that I'm afraid will work himself to death one day for all of us.(make note because I will come back to this) We need and want for nothing. See, I snap when I feel good. I instagram a selfie when I have actually had the energy to fix myself up. Because I feel accomplished. You do NOT want to see me the other 5-6 days a week. Just the day before I was stuck in bed because the night before that, my husband had to pick me up off the bathroom floor and put me in bed. Shortly after that, I vomited. I then spent the rest of the night sweating and having tremors. I cannot recall my address on a dime most days anymore. The shooting pain, cramping, and popping is making it almost impossible to get through the day without some kind of breakdown. I can no longer read long articles or get through a movie. I'm just tired. Eating hurts. It literally burns my stomach. Oh and the guilt? My husband is working himself to death, then coming home and helping out with what are supposed to be MY responsibilities.
I shove along anyway. I may go out with him this Friday night. I may pay dearly for it on Saturday and Sunday. I may sit in weather I have no business sitting in to watch my daughter's soccer games. I may continue to give little pieces of myself and time to others that I don't really have to spare. I may continue to help in anyway I can, because being a homemaker isn't just what I do, it's who I am. I do not want life to pass me by. I've lost so much time already.
So, be very careful when you say you "wish you had my life." I wouldn't wish this disease on anyone. I WISH my excuse was that I was just a lazy and privileged housewife.

"You can't get much done in life if you only work on the days when you feel good." Jerry West

Winter Detoxing and Stuff

But do you even dry brush? Detox bath? Drink lemon water? Sweat it out in a sauna?
Quick drop in. It's still cold, people are sick, joints hurt, skin is dry, here's some potential remedies. If anything pamper yourself. You owe it to YOU.
Who cares if it doesn't work. It feels AH-mazing. Dry brushing scratches my skin in a way that my nails won't and it makes it feel soft. So, here's how it's supposed to work. You get a brush. You start at the bottom of your body, at the feet and in circle/oval motions you move up the body towards the heart.


Benefits.
* Exfoliation of the dead skin cells. I could always use new and younger looking skin.
*Lymphatic circulation. Yes please. Get those toxins OUT.
*Clearer Pores. Again, what's not to like about this?
*Increased blood flow.......better circulation....heart health.....I ain't getting any younger. Another health benefit.
*Some claim cellulite reduction.
Try it. Do it. You're welcome.

Detox bath. Lymie or not. Everyone should get one of these in at LEAST twice a month. I do once a week. It consist of super duper hot water, epsom salts, baking soda, and an essential oil such as lavender. The epsom soothes the muscles and drawls out toxins, the baking soda softens the skin, the lavender because it is my favorite and if I could my master bath and master bedroom would reek of it at all times. So, whatever your favorite reek smell is, feel free to reek away.

Lemon water. It's good. It's a good way to get your water down for those that don't like to drink their daily intake. I'm still not sure if it's pseudo or not, but I'm pretty sure I can hear everything flush when I drink lemon water after I've sat in the sauna, came home and dried brushed and had a good soak in a detox bath followed by a nap.

Our bodies get a build up from the things we do to it, the stress we physically and mentally place on it. Illnesses and disease, busy schedules, the foods we put in our bodies, medications. Take time to give your body a break. The inside deserves it just as much as your nails, or a new haircut, or a foot rub. All these things are just as important. Diseased or not.  Be kind to yourself.

Throwing It Back Thursday

Happy New Year to you all. I have been on some kind of a hiatus. I know. 2015 was rough. I made it though. 2016 is the year of the milestone for our family. We have 2 boys graduating. One going to college one to the Navy. One daughter turning 16, one 13. Daddy turns 70, hubby 40. Lots of changes on the way and I am embracing all the changes.

I think I have created a journal for every project I have in store. I DID complete my certification Fitness Nutrition and Personal Training. What is around the corner? Just stay tuned here.

I still have Lyme. Sorry. I'm learning to manage the symptoms though. Dealing with the effects as they happen. I will not get into all of that at this time, for that's not what this post is about.

When I first started my blog I had every intention of it being solely focused on my fight with Lyme, but I have found that there is such a need and thirst in the community for encouragement and I want to be that light. I want to be the hope. Allow you in my life. Yes, I have a disease. I have days that are like death, but it makes the days that I'm well like being on top of the world. I'll be allowing you into my life more on a manageable aspect. Some people don't give any F's. Well, I give a lot. Faith. Family. Friends. Food. Fitness. Focus. So here is to a reFRESHing new year and here is my throwback for Thursday.

We are a blended family. I have my 2 from a previous marriage and his 3 from his. My children's father is remarried. There were defiantly road bumps in the begining. Anger, jealousy, miscommunication. You name it. The norm. I got to a point where I had to let it all go. The step-mom doesn't know this. I do not even know if she reads this or ever has. So here goes my confession. Almost to the date last year I made it my reso to be kind. Let IT go. Whatever it was. Not let people or small stuff get to me. I was faced with my first test. I was on my way to one of my daughter's first high school soccer games and stopped by our local Starbucks drive through. As I pulled away I saw her. The step-mom in line. Tap tap tap on my shoulder. Dangit. Okay. I gotchya. I parked. I ran in. I explained to the barista that the woman in the Kia....whatever she was ordering, I was paying for. BUT I needed to hurry up, because I did NOT want her to see me. I never said a word about it. When I handed over my payment, I handed over any hurt, anger, resentment, jeoulsy, ill feelings with my money.  Never looked back.

Here we are a year later. My daughter just experienced her first heartbreak. I have cried I think as much as her just watching her hurt. Last night was her night to stay with her dad. She was with me while her breakup happened. I explained to her step-mom what happened. I couldn't even manage to call her because I had been crying so much. She called me and with tears in her voice informed me she was on her way over with my daughter's bags and wanted to know what we wanted from Starbucks. A year later.

Healing doean't happen over night. It doesn't happen the way we always want it to. Sometimes we have to keep our eyes and hearts open and accept it when it does happen. 

I've never regretted the chances I've taken. Only the ones I never took.

Wouldn't It Be Nice

That is the song that will be stuck in my head today.  Weekend was excellent. Breakfast with the parents, farmer's market, kite festival, lunch with husband, yard work, and I got to hang this beauty:

We got our new porch back in May and I'm still painting it as energy and time allow. I love the bird watching, grilling, and reading I do out there. It is my little escape. The chandelier has been the perfect addition thus far. I even managed to start on my little succulent garden. She is kinda puny at the moment, but I look forward to seeing how she grows.

I have plans for this week. Going to try to get back to the gym, do some detoxing.
I have this mental exercise I do every morning when I wake up. Having "lyme brain" causes forgetfulness and confusion more than I am willing to admit. I may forget something that happened years ago or I may forget what I was talking about mid sentence. Almost always forget where I park. I've always been a chatter box, but I find myself more and more just sitting in silence. Afraid of what I may sound like to others, I just keep my trap closed. Friends and family understand. The general public doesn't. I can see it in their face. Like either I am too wrapped up in my self to care, or I'm the girl who is "really starting to lose it".

The morning drill for me consist of me opening my eyes, taking my thyroid pill, and laying there and making a run through: What day is it, year, address, my name, my husbands name, all of my children, their birthdays, important days. I try to run through recent events. How far back can I go with my dinner. What did I eat last night, and the night before, what about the night before that? Then I scavenge for a few memories. Sometimes it is a little foggy, but they all come to me. Except dinner. I do good if I can go back 2 nights. I usually do not get past 3. Some days I am on point. I'm quick with the drill and know it will be a day of clarity. Others it is a little slow. This morning was heartbreaking.

Husband was getting ready for work. I could hear him in the bathroom. I rolled over to take my pill with my water. I rubbed my eyes, and moved enough to listen to all my joints pop and creak, Then I started. Today is Monday. Tyler Scott, Macy Elizabeth, Kenneth Ray, Amber Lynn, Elyse Nicole.
Birthdays are as follows. We made pizza on the grill last night and watched Netflix. The night before I didn't eat dinner. My husband is Kenneth Ray. We have been married for 6 years. WHO IS HE???? I know who he is. He is my husband. He isn't a stranger, but who is he?????? Where are our memories??? Does he love me? Who is he??????

NO! This isn't happening. Quick, my parents. Sandra and Gary. My brother and all his family........Got it. What the HELL is happening????

He is coming out of the bathroom. Close your eyes, Adrienne. Stop crying. He is going to come tell you goodbye and he doesn't need to think anything is wrong. Stop CRYING!!!

He knew though. He ran through memories with me, asking me if I remember our cruises. (I remember them, but I can't REMEMBER them). He asked if I remembered his marriage proposal and where we ate afterwards. Yes! He asked if I remembered how much he loves me. No. I don't know him enough right now to know how he feels, his likes and dislikes. I'm so confused. This sucks. He compared us to the movie 50 First Dates. I remember that. Made me laugh. Told me that if he has to remind me every morning he will.


Now, I have the scene stuck in my head where he plays the video for her each and every morning to the Beach Boys song Wouldn't It Be Nice.  At least something is sticking right?

OH POOP! I have eggs boiling. I'll be right back.

I obviously have mashed potatoes for brains right now. I'm sad. This isn't fun. I figured I had better blog quick before I forget. Like forgetful Lucy.  This has to be equally upsetting for him.  Lyme isnt fair. Not to the person infected or the family coping. I try to find humor in everything. I wish I had something more uplifting to share in closing. I apologize. Time for a neurologist visit and another MRI I suppose. One thing I do know is how much I love my husband. How blessed am I to have a man that is willing to take the time to be late so that he can talk me through our past? Blessed indeed.

When It Rains (Literally and A Matter of Figurative Speech)

Texas got hit hard in the rain department in May and beginning of June. So much that our lakes and rivers that have been suffering drought for the past several years are back up. Great for business. Sadly, it came at the expense of some lives and damages. Here are a few Texas sized statistics to help you fathom just how much record-breaking rain we had just in May alone.

So, you see there was a bunch. We do everything big here. Go big or go home.

Our home was spared flood waters. Despite our backyard looking like a pond. We had a snake. I should say SNAKE. Cause it was big. A good size turtle. Oh there was a blue heron out there one day too. That either means we had small fish or the heron mistook our land for a body of water.

We did end up with some water in the house though from the constant non-stop run off from our roof on the back patio. It came in through the back door. I had told my husband I could smell mold. Mold and Lyme are symbiotic. As El Nino set it and the rains let up, things started to dry out. We had to first tackle the water coming in the house. Hubster built a covered porch. I LOVE IT. * hashtag props*.(so that worked out.) We then had to fix the threshold to the french doors as the other was rotted and then remove our entire livingroom floor. Some of the smell was in the kitchen cabinets as well, so the ALL needed a fresh painting and relining of shelving anyway. So, a month later we have a new porch, a fresh kitchen, no mold, and a beautiful new living laminate floor in teak. My husband was even able to take some time to make a quick trip to our favorite river, the Guadalupe, for a whitewater rafting experience. For the past 3 years that river has ran under 100 CFU's give or take and the first day we drove up, his trip was actually cancelled and the CFU's was over 6000. He ended up rafting at about 3400.

It has been refreshing to say the least, to be able to breath the fresh air in the house. I have been moving much better for now. The flair ups seem to be at bay (keeping with the water theme).

As the month of June started to wind down and we transitioned into July, we have entered with heavy hearts. We had to lay down our family boxer, Arabelle, the Monday after July 4th. She was 11 years old.

I did not have the pleasure of coming into her life until she was 4 years old, as my husband had her before he and I met, but for the past 7 years her and I spent every day together. She slobbered, she passed gas like an old man, she would stink, she would scale a fence, she would get into the trash, she would snore so loud that our walls would rattle. I would sometimes get up to lay on the couch at night because of the snoring in my room (I will not name any names). Only to be welcomed with more snoring from the sweet pup.

Our youngest daughter once asked, "Daddy, why does Arabelle snore?"  "Because she's fat." He replied. To which she sassed back with, "Is that why you snore?"

She was the dog from sandlot. She looked ferocious and probably would have been if tested, but never snapped. Just slobbered and licked. In her mind she was the worlds smallest lapdog. She walked you. You didn't walk her. She had been through heat stroke, cancer and as of 6 months ago a larynx that was collapsing.

When it was steak night for us, it was steak night for her too, and she knew it. She would patiently wait for us to finish so she could devour hers in a split second.

I'm still having the most difficult time adjusting to the silence. She was soooo loud! I want to run home and let her outside, wake up and take care of her. Feel her stare at me when I watch TV. But we had to let her rest. Last week she started shutting down. She no longer could eat or drink. We continued to offer through the weekend and even Monday morning one last time. Saturday morning, under my new porch, her and I were outside. I was having my coffee and reading. She just laid by my feet. Sunday morning, I got on the floor with her. Talked to her. She just looked at me. Placed her paw on my shoulder. Like she was telling me it was okay. Then she went inside her kennel and laid down. We all gathered around her Monday morning. We loved her and Kenneth and I took her down and talked with our vet and made the decision. It was one of the hardest things I have ever seen my husband do. I sat on the floor with her in his lap until she fell asleep under the sedation and kissed her goodbye. I then left the room. He stayed with her through out the rest. I know we did the right thing by her. She was suffering. So, why does is hurt so damn much? I didn't think I would hurt this much. I found myself on the bathroom floor last night at about 2AM just crying. Dogs teach us unconditional love. They are so quick to forget. So quick to forgive. They do not hold a grudge for you scolding them yesterday for busting out of the kennel and eating the kitty litter (why do they even do that????). They don't plan tomorrow. They just live in the here and now. Happy.  Even on the days when they are sick. They are dying, they are living for their master. We could really learn a lot from our canine companions. My tears are free flowing right now. My heart is full of emotion. This is a pain I have never experienced before. You brought us joy you crazy dog. Go leap 20 foot fences with ease and have 40 oz porterhouse steaks. You will be missed.

Kristen Wiig Reenacts My Lyme Seizures

It's 4AM and 2 weeks later. I honestly didn't think I'd be back this soon. Insomnia hit me a few hours ago, husband is off to a side job, and the cats are in the next room playing parkour again. May as well share what brain activity I can with you while I can right now. I do my most lucid thinking in the wee hours as it seems.  So without further ado, I bring you my next entry.

They are back. There has been 3 now in the past week. Well, 3 notable. When you hear seizure you probably think I'm spitting pea soup and wonder why I'm not in the hospital and how come my licences hasn't been taken from me yet. You are thinking gran mal. Usually associated with Epilepsy. That is all I used to think of as well. I was pretty afraid when I first started getting these disruptions in my body. It was pretty frighting. I've mentioned before I can feel mine coming. I get a sense. Sometimes I just go blank, or I will have an aura headache, blinding brightness in my eyes or extreme vertigo. Sometimes all of my senses are super-powered right before it will happen. I will retreat to my room. Here lately, it is just happening. Not much of a warning. In the middle of the day, in the middle of sleep. I loose my ability to speak, to walk, to control my hands, swallow, breath. The difference between the type of seizure you may think of and the type I suffer from.....I am wide awake during the entire thing.

 A seizure is defined as uncontrolled electrical activity in the brain, which may produce a physical convulsion, minor physical signs, thought disturbances, or a combination of symptoms.

To help you better understand, I will explain the different types.While this is scary as all "le chiz" to my family who has witnessed these episodes, I have to bring a #funnynotfunny factor to the table. I also have to find a creative way to keep your attention. For this reason, Kristen Wiig is gonna help me out.


******{this is not intended to offend or discredited anyone's pain and suffering as myself am a pain and suffer just tryin to find my way and that is my disclaimer}

There are 2 categories for seizures. General (produced by the entire brain) & Partial (self-explanatory)
Under General there are 6 different types:

*Gran Mal~ This is the most serious and scary of them all. The one you are probably most familiar with. The patient becomes tonic and loses all consciousness for 30-60 seconds and violently jerks before possibly falling into a deep sleep. Most commonly associated with Epilepsy.  I have never experienced this. Thank you, Jesus!

*Absence~ cause a short loss of consciousness. This only last for a few seconds. Patients are usually not even aware that this has happened. Only that there has been a sense of a loss of time. So THAT is where my day has been going!!!! For reals. I just blank out. I'm proof it is possible to think of nothing.


*Myoclonic~sporadic jerks. Usually on both sides of the body. Patients usually with throw objects if holding them. GUILTY. Ummmm......Kenneth, Remember that time that fork went flying across the room when all I was trying to do was put some food in meh mouth?

 *Clonic~repetitive, rhythmic jerks that involve both sides of the body. Been there, done that. Wake up the next day feeling like I worked out the night before I'm so sore. Friends, these leave me spent. These are what I have most commonly.


*Tonic~stiffining of the muscles. My kids got to witness this in my hand just this past weekend. The day after I had a Clonic. Not to be confused with a colonic.


*Atonic~sudden and general loss of muscle tone, usually limbs. Normally results in fall. The only time I have had a problem with this one has been when I have been doing some major herxing and I just lose all muscle control. I cannot even feed myself when I get to this state.



 Partial seizures are divided into simple and complex and secondary generalized. The difference between simple and complex is that with simple, patients maintain awareness whereas complex, they lose awareness.

This area affects the motor skills, the senses, memory, emotional disturbances. Jerking, spasms, and so on.
It is not uncommon for more than one of these to occur at a time. ANY of the above.

THYROID ULTRASOUND tomorrow. It has been 2 years since my partial. If I have a clean report, I'm G2G.  I visit a new doc next week and keep pressing forward. This solitude thing is a little more somber than what I figured it would be. I mean. I think the crickets can hear crickets. 2 weeks no social media now. I'm learning stuff. Life.

Well, this is all for now. I'm off to heal today. Kristen and myself thank you and wish you a sunny weekend.