Wide Awake Seizures

For the most part, I had learned to keep to myself.  I would talk to friends about what was going on with me, but I was hesitant.  It also started to grow mundane.  My explanation went from "Lyme disease is....(30 min explanation)" to "I'm just sick but hey....(shrug shoulders)  I was tired I was stressed I was growing angry I wanted to give up.  I was loosing control.

By now the tremors and the shaking was picking up.  I could be holding the TV remote or my fork and in a second it would go flying across the room.  It was like I purposely would chunk the thing using super powers.  My knees were giving out a little more and holding a conversation? Forget about it.  I started to withdraw myself from others.  I started to hide.  I didn't want to have to explain my actions to people outside of my home.  It was what it was and I started to realize I was stuck in a bad dream and there was no way out.

I had been having a super bad day.  I woke up that morning and said a prayer before my feet even hit the ground.  As I often do. (It should be everyday.)  Talking to God like that will have one of two results for me.  Easy Cheesy Breezy day or pure challenge.  This was a day of nothing but challenge.  My heart and patience was tested all day.  I am a shover.  I like to push things down till they explode.  I don't know why I do that.  It's so destructive.  I always know what the outcome is going to be, but yet I do it anyway in hopes of being able to push it down so far it will just evaporate.

I just needed to get away, so before preparing dinner that night I ran down the street to catch a bit of my son's baseball practice.  I looked horrible.  No other words to describe.  Matter of fact I spend many days looking like that here lately.  As I'm sitting in the stands, talking to my daughter, I start having this strange feeling.  It was like the Matrix.  Everyone is moving normal around me and I'm in slow motion.  I got these chills.  As my daughter was talking to me, I was listening and processing what she was saying, but I was repeating her in a mocking fashion and I had no idea why.  I looked at her and told her I had to go.  I did just that and very abruptly.  I just got up and left.

I came home and proceeded to start on dinner.  This feeling.  It was so strange.  I could not shake it, never had it before.  It was almost euphoric. (Euphoria has been related to people who have nervous system disorders or MS.) It is also a way of keeping the body from recognizing a state of Hypoxia.  Hypoxia is when the body is not being supplied with an adequate amount of oxygen.  This can happen to people with anemia, carbon monoxide poisoning, pulmonary fibrosis, hypoventilation, and more.  One of the symptoms is a seizure.  And that is what started to happen next.

As I stood at the stove and worked on dinner I knew what was next as my left arm and hand started to jerk.  I went straight to my bedroom to lay down.

From there the convulsions started.  My head shook violently back and forth.  My legs and arms kicked as if I was in a wrestling match with the air. I drooled, spat, fought to speak.  I was awake.  I knew what was going on, and the worst part?  Watching my husband watch me go through it.  My thoughts worked, but the rest of my body I was not in control of.  I wanted to stay I'm okay as I had been able to in the past when I would have shakes.  I couldn't get anything out though.  Then the crying.  The uncontrollable wailing.  It left me exhausted and I do not remember much else after that.  It takes so much out of you.  The whole entire body is spasming, the jerking leaves a soreness like being in a car accident.  You cannot catch your breath. I sleep pretty hard after my Lyme seizures.  A house full of children I had tried to protect and hide the ugliness of this disease from and could no longer do so.  How horrible, how frustrating.  For someone who is a controlled and orderly person, this felt like the end.  The end of routine and the beginning of having to accept this was my now life and I needed to start learning how to take my life day by day with Lyme

Sometimes The Hardest

part of this whole thing is the getting better.  The pills, the diet.  It makes me sooo sick to my stomach.  The die-off (herx) in order to feel better for a few days can be killer.  Not to mention what this has all been doing to my mind lately.  I feel incapable. Inadequate. A burden. Less of a person because I can not give it my all.  I cannot exert my self -body, mind, and spirit to it's fullest potential.  Not like I used to.  I long for those days.  I hope for them again.