We got our new porch back in May and I'm still painting it as energy and time allow. I love the bird watching, grilling, and reading I do out there. It is my little escape. The chandelier has been the perfect addition thus far. I even managed to start on my little succulent garden. She is kinda puny at the moment, but I look forward to seeing how she grows.
I have plans for this week. Going to try to get back to the gym, do some detoxing.
I have this mental exercise I do every morning when I wake up. Having "lyme brain" causes forgetfulness and confusion more than I am willing to admit. I may forget something that happened years ago or I may forget what I was talking about mid sentence. Almost always forget where I park. I've always been a chatter box, but I find myself more and more just sitting in silence. Afraid of what I may sound like to others, I just keep my trap closed. Friends and family understand. The general public doesn't. I can see it in their face. Like either I am too wrapped up in my self to care, or I'm the girl who is "really starting to lose it".
The morning drill for me consist of me opening my eyes, taking my thyroid pill, and laying there and making a run through: What day is it, year, address, my name, my husbands name, all of my children, their birthdays, important days. I try to run through recent events. How far back can I go with my dinner. What did I eat last night, and the night before, what about the night before that? Then I scavenge for a few memories. Sometimes it is a little foggy, but they all come to me. Except dinner. I do good if I can go back 2 nights. I usually do not get past 3. Some days I am on point. I'm quick with the drill and know it will be a day of clarity. Others it is a little slow. This morning was heartbreaking.
Husband was getting ready for work. I could hear him in the bathroom. I rolled over to take my pill with my water. I rubbed my eyes, and moved enough to listen to all my joints pop and creak, Then I started. Today is Monday. Tyler Scott, Macy Elizabeth, Kenneth Ray, Amber Lynn, Elyse Nicole.
Birthdays are as follows. We made pizza on the grill last night and watched Netflix. The night before I didn't eat dinner. My husband is Kenneth Ray. We have been married for 6 years. WHO IS HE???? I know who he is. He is my husband. He isn't a stranger, but who is he?????? Where are our memories??? Does he love me? Who is he??????
NO! This isn't happening. Quick, my parents. Sandra and Gary. My brother and all his family........Got it. What the HELL is happening????
He is coming out of the bathroom. Close your eyes, Adrienne. Stop crying. He is going to come tell you goodbye and he doesn't need to think anything is wrong. Stop CRYING!!!
He knew though. He ran through memories with me, asking me if I remember our cruises. (I remember them, but I can't REMEMBER them). He asked if I remembered his marriage proposal and where we ate afterwards. Yes! He asked if I remembered how much he loves me. No. I don't know him enough right now to know how he feels, his likes and dislikes. I'm so confused. This sucks. He compared us to the movie 50 First Dates. I remember that. Made me laugh. Told me that if he has to remind me every morning he will.
Now, I have the scene stuck in my head where he plays the video for her each and every morning to the Beach Boys song Wouldn't It Be Nice. At least something is sticking right?
OH POOP! I have eggs boiling. I'll be right back.
I obviously have mashed potatoes for brains right now. I'm sad. This isn't fun. I figured I had better blog quick before I forget. Like forgetful Lucy. This has to be equally upsetting for him. Lyme isnt fair. Not to the person infected or the family coping. I try to find humor in everything. I wish I had something more uplifting to share in closing. I apologize. Time for a neurologist visit and another MRI I suppose. One thing I do know is how much I love my husband. How blessed am I to have a man that is willing to take the time to be late so that he can talk me through our past? Blessed indeed.
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