The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds
All that I know is I'm breathing now
I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me
But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now
All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing.All we can do is keep breathing
Such a heavy-hearted feeling I am having today. Guilt and shame. As my text messages are filled with encouragement and I hear my children and family ask every day how I am doing, how tired are they all of me? I'm the doer. I am the one who is supposed to be taking care of others. I am the one who should be giving my time. Not the other way around. I've never really been good at accepting help. I am more of a "I'm good" kinda person when asked. I do not often see the point in going into detail on how things are REALLY going or what it is that I really need.
I'm sure my peers either believe I'm okay or just don't ask anymore because I'm gonna turn them down anyway.
The truth of it all is that I never intended to be a burden to anyone. My husband and I communicate throughout the day. I'm sure most spouses do. Technology makes it easy. I have realized that over the past 5 weeks now, my messages to him are how bad I hurt. That I sound like Rice Crispies when I move. I'm sick to my stomach. My head hurts so bad that my whole body has a pulse right now. Jesus, I don't know why he even asks. I'd be pretty annoyed with me if I were him. I mean, he didn't sign up for this. I'm supposed to have laundry done, a clean house, a fridge and pantry full, dinner waiting when he comes home. I should be able to do for myself all day everyday. It is just my role as his helpmate and me staying home while he works. He tends to the job, I tend to the home. The old American June Cleaver way. Yet, here I am another day looking at a plum colored ceiling, realizing that there is no hope for daytime television even if you have over 800 channels. Resisting I am the temptation to go take a hot bath after being teased yesterday for being part mermaid. Baths are the only relief I get right now. Just give me lavender anything, my chamomile tea, and a heating pad instead.
Some reading this may or may not understand what it is like to be constantly ill. It is deeper than just the physical pain. I feel great emotional pain too. Time is passing me by. What am I giving to others that they will remember? What work load am I easing from the shoulders of my spouse? Am I managing to be there enough for my kids? Am I making them all worry too much? The weight of the guilt and shame is heavy. Before you even say it......I know it is not my fault. I know it is out of my control. The light at the end just looks bleak right now. I appreciate simple strength and the small things I am able to do day to day. I am also blessed beyond measure if I haven't mentioned it before for the man God blessed me with. His compassion is the type we should all strive for. He loves me and my inability to be Suzy Homemaker. That is real love.
I'm certain my cats are pissed at me for not allowing them to lay with me during the day. The two of them enjoy swinging from my fan though and playing peek-a-boo from behind my curtains and as my pain tolerance is diminishing, so is my tolerance for other things. If those frisky felines were in here with me, I would have a completely different entry to write about that would probably cause PETA to come and hunt me down.
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