The Weight of Guilt

Ingrid Michaelson sang it so gracefully in her song titled "Keep Breathing". 

 The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing.All we can do is keep breathing 


Such a heavy-hearted feeling I am having today. Guilt and shame. As my text messages are filled with encouragement and I hear my children and family ask every day how I am doing, how tired are they all of me? I'm the doer. I am the one who is supposed to be taking care of others. I am the one who should be giving my time. Not the other way around. I've never really been good at accepting help. I am more of a "I'm good" kinda person when asked. I do not often see the point in going into detail on how things are REALLY going or what it is that I really need.

I'm sure my peers either believe I'm okay or just don't ask anymore because I'm gonna turn them down anyway.

The truth of it all is that I never intended to be a burden to anyone. My husband and I communicate throughout the day. I'm sure most spouses do. Technology makes it easy. I have realized that over the past 5 weeks now, my messages to him are how bad I hurt. That I sound like Rice Crispies when I move. I'm sick to my stomach. My head hurts so bad that my whole body has a pulse right now. Jesus, I don't know why he even asks. I'd be pretty annoyed with me if I were him. I mean, he didn't sign up for this. I'm supposed to have laundry done, a clean house, a fridge and pantry full, dinner waiting when he comes home. I should be able to do for myself all day everyday.  It is just my role as his helpmate and me staying home while he works. He tends to the job, I tend to the home. The old American June Cleaver way. Yet, here I am another day looking at a plum colored ceiling, realizing that there is no hope for daytime television even if you have over 800 channels. Resisting I am the temptation to go take a hot bath after being teased yesterday for being part mermaid. Baths are the only relief I get right now. Just give me lavender anything, my chamomile tea, and a heating pad instead.

Some reading this may or may not understand what it is like to be constantly ill.  It is deeper than just the physical pain. I feel great emotional pain too. Time is passing me by. What am I giving to others that they will remember? What work load am I easing from the shoulders of my spouse? Am I managing to be there enough for my kids? Am I making them all worry too much? The weight of the guilt and shame is heavy. Before you even say it......I know it is not my fault. I know it is out of my control. The light at the end just looks bleak right now. I appreciate simple strength and the small things I am able to do day to day. I am also blessed beyond measure if I haven't mentioned it before for the man God blessed me with. His compassion is the type we should all strive for. He loves me and my inability to be Suzy Homemaker. That is real love.

I'm certain my cats are pissed at me for not allowing them to lay with me during the day. The two of them enjoy swinging from my fan though and playing peek-a-boo from behind my curtains and as my pain tolerance is diminishing, so is my tolerance for other things. If those frisky felines were in here with me, I would have a completely different entry to write about that would probably cause PETA to come and hunt me down.

New Year Same Setbacks

It has been a while since I last posted, I have kept busy and Lyme has been something I have tried to push to the back of my mind. I spent 2014 doing many things. I started school to get my certification in Personal Training and Fitness Nutrition. I am still finishing those up. I spent a lot of time in the gym. Traveled. Two cruises and an unbelievable trip with my father and brother to the California Redwoods.  Have you ever seen the redwoods??? Holy SHMOLY! They're huge. The northern Pacific coast is a sight to behold too. I just like beaches. The scenery and sky scape is never the same. Forever changing.

Just like life.

October my shoulders started popping, I had an arthrogram MRI done on my left shoulder. It was waking me at night. I was in a lot of pain. I had just started instructing a PIYO class too. My workout game was strong. Verdict was that I had severe tendon fraying and inflammation. I stood in the kitchen and just looked at my husband and cried. We knew this was going to happen. My ligaments and tendons are going to wear down. Two years ago I had a nerve conduction test done, and the beginning of neuropathy was starting in my arms. But why now? I'm not ready. I figured I had at least a good 10 years. I have been doing everything right. Working out, eating right, taking care of myself.

I'm fixing to start collecting the tickets now for all those aboard the pity train express.
No pictures or quotes for this blog entry. Just rawness.

My workout game started dwindling. Holidays took it out of me. Always do. Week after New Years I was in bed. That is where I have spent the majority of my year since. I have not been able to work out. I have managed to save my energy for a few tasks a day. Either light housework or cooking. Soccer game. Dinner date or visiting with friends or family. Church, Even when I bathe has to be planned due to the fact that it leaves me drained. Driving has become limited. Simple skills don't just happen right now.  None of it has been easy. There hasn't been one day go by that I haven't cried because of pain and frustration. I feel lonely. It is a lonely that I do not expect anyone to understand. It isn't a lonely that can be filled with company or encouraging words.

Eating has become almost non-existent. I manage to have one meal a day. The rest of my diet has included yogurt, juicing, kombucha, keifer, and LOTS of hot tea.

The headaches and jaw pain, locked knees if I sit too long, back pain that is so bad that it makes breathing miserable, foot pain that is like walking on sharp rocks, cold blood, loss of simple motor skills at times. convulsions, and my favorite.......neuropathy. Blue toes. Numbness. It goes on and on.

I'd like to think that I still have some cognitive skills. That may even be arguable though. Just don't tell me. Oh hell, tell me. I'll forget anyway. Makes it hard for me to hold a grudge when I can't remember what it was about.

Admitting that I have relapsed hard was a very difficult thing for me to admit to myself. I'm very stubborn. Type A.

So, now what? As of now, I am detoxing like a boss. Only the good has been going in my body. When I have had anything like a gluten, I pay for it dearly. I am eating very clean for that reason. If I'm not eating, I'm at least trying to get the proper probiotics and nutrition into my body. I'm resting the majority of the day. I am taking detox baths about 3-4 times a week. Dry brushing. Just taking it day by day. The doctor is going to be making a comeback though. I am in my 5th week now of trying to do this on my own. I have been in denial.

I'm afraid. I know where I was before during treatment. I will opt for IV treatment this time around. I'm terrified actually. I am not sure I have the courage to face this. My poor family. I am so sorry. From the deepest part of my heart.

Thanksgiving Eve Thankfulness

One long road. On one side of it there are waves. Life pushing at me. Telling me to do something, or I don't like you right now, or no calmness for you today and tomorrow isn't looking good either. On the opposite side there is calmness. All is right with the world and nothing that comes your way can break that feeling. It's quiet. There I am. Driving right down the middle of the two. 

Last week I went for a drive out along our 5 mile long fishing pier. I like going out there when I cannot seem to calm the noises in my head. It's a different world there. Alone. Just me and my God. Sure I can talk to him anywhere, and for the most part I do, but out here he talks back and I am still and quiet enough to listen. 

This blog isn't going to be about my disease. It is so much more. It is me stripped down emotionally. 

 Just because you are sick doesn't mean life stops. I can chose to lay in bed all day or push through everything so that I do not miss out on experiences with my children, my husband, family, friends. Life has not been easy. I suppose you learn to live with the pain. The physical pain that the disease hands you and the emotional pain of feeling alone at times. Many of you have no idea, but I cry sometimes because my skin hurts, or I've had nerve pain on the side of my face for so long I do not know what it is like to NOT have it. Simple things like chewing food take me twice as long because of the hurt. EVERYDAY.  

I have gotten to where I can only dry my hair every few days because of the shoulder pain and popping. My fingers have started to seize up on me. Making it difficult to even type these blogs or sign my name to a receipt. Something is always cracking, oh and my favorite are the sudden flashes of nausea that have started to come and go on a daily basis. I've had very bad breast pain that I have to have checked out in a few weeks. Just at my dental appointment the other day it was, "You have great hygiene, but you are started to get some softening and receding around your gum line." I just asked what to do and said okay. Knowing from other Lymie's that it's just another Lyme thing. Some of us end up loosing teeth as the disease progresses. 

NONE of this is pretty my friends. I can slab on the lip gloss and the mascara and the smiles. I can throw on the heels OR running shoes. The pain is still there. Everyday. Everywhere I go. 

.....but.........my heart is finding contentment and peace. My business I have worked at for two years is finally moving along, hard feelings I have harbored against wrong doers I am finally able to start letting it go. I appreciate my lil family and what they do for me and how proud they make me day in and day out. 

We just recently had an experience with an exchange student. We wanted one so that not only we could give an opportunity to a child, but so that our children would get a lesson in appreciation. Things didn't work out and he just recently left. Little did my husband and I know that we were the ones who got the lesson. We have great kids. It brought us all closer. Made me appreciate the hard work they do, and things could be so much worse. Sure, we are still missing one final piece to our family puzzle, but I have to let that go and let it work itself out. We will be a whole family again. God told me so. 

I'm thankful for the health and mobility I DO have. I'm thankful for my great kids that work so hard to do write by others and keep good grades and love God. I'm thankful for my parents love and understanding. For the fact I can become and emotional wreck and just walk off and they let me and do not get angry with me. I'm thankful for my friends that check on me almost on a daily basis. That send me recordings of a prayer that a pastor has prayed over me because they asked him to. I'm thankful for feeling content in life. It has taken me my whole life to get here. I'm thankful for small blessings. They're everywhere. We just have to be quiet enough to hear them. I'm thankful for the best husband, life-partner, and soul-mate. God matched us just perfectly. I'm thankful for his support and the times he carries me. Whether it's literally carrying me because I cannot walk or carrying me because I cannot pick myself up off the ground from crying. I'm thankful for all he does to provide. I'm thankful for my loving Father and Savior. His grace and never-ending mercy he shows me everyday. 

I drove away that morning after my long talk with my spiritual Daddy. I drove into dreary dark clouds as I headed home, but was reminded as I looked in my mirror that he always has my back. 

This Can't Be Good

I said as I woke up this morning. I am sick. Now comparing a Lymie to sick is kinda like blue cheese. You know, how do you know when blue cheese has gone bad? It already looks moldy and stinks as it is. How do you you know when a Lymie is sick? They are already pitiful as it is. It's intensified. I also do not always have a stiff neck and a golf ball stuck in my throat. My husband usually knows I'm really sick if I skip my morning java for hot tea.
I did finish painting the back and front of my house. I still have the sides to do. I'm dreading it. The weather has been beautiful. We enjoyed some hot cocoa and a fire in the backyard Friday, soccer, farmer's market, and Kemah Boardwalk on Saturday, church, a little shopping, and Sunday dinner last night. This morning, I woke up and quickly realized that swallowing, eating, and drinking will come with the price of pain today. It was one of those mornings when the hubs had to help me put my slippers on. Body aches are starting to set in.  To most it may just seem like a mild flu or cold. To me, it's death. I had very good intentions of getting some stuff done today too. Instead, I'm stuck in bed. I can feel my muscles and joints seizing     up as      I t  yp  e.

Come Monday

Monday mornings are always full of songs playing in my head. Just Another Manic Monday, Monday Monday, Come Monday...you get it.
There's nothing manic, there's nothing about Monday that will make it alright, and Monday is here to stay.
It's just another day these days. They're all really starting to run in together.  The temps have started to level out outside. No more 90's. That has helped a little bit with some of the joint pain. My feel and face feel like ice. The neuropathy in my face feels the worst it ever has. It feel like someone is streaming ice cold water down one side of my face. I cannot open my mouth all the way because on that same side my jaw locks. It's a constant pain that's made me actually think about having it broken and reset.
I have been eating gluten free and extremely low carb for a full week now. I did cheat on Halloween with some popcorn and a slice of pizza, then again yesterday with a little white rice. My skin has started to clear back up and gut problems are subsiding.
A few weeks ago I started painting the outside of our home. It is taking me forever have to break a lot. I still haven't been able to finish the back of the house because of all the up and down on the ladder and standing.  I'm very weak right now.  Kenneth works too much to find the time to do it. When he isn't working right now, he is busy closing in half of our garage for a 4th bedroom. Something we have needed for a while now.
It was becoming tiresome for me to blowdry my hair even, but I made a spot in my bedroom where I can sit on the floor and dry it. Something so small and simple has made such a difference.
High school band is winding down a tad, and fall soccer is almost over. This mama will get a chance to catch her breath for about a week before the holidays move in.