One long road. On one side of it there are waves. Life pushing at me. Telling me to do something, or I don't like you right now, or no calmness for you today and tomorrow isn't looking good either. On the opposite side there is calmness. All is right with the world and nothing that comes your way can break that feeling. It's quiet. There I am. Driving right down the middle of the two.
Last week I went for a drive out along our 5 mile long fishing pier. I like going out there when I cannot seem to calm the noises in my head. It's a different world there. Alone. Just me and my God. Sure I can talk to him anywhere, and for the most part I do, but out here he talks back and I am still and quiet enough to listen.
This blog isn't going to be about my disease. It is so much more. It is me stripped down emotionally.
Just because you are sick doesn't mean life stops. I can chose to lay in bed all day or push through everything so that I do not miss out on experiences with my children, my husband, family, friends. Life has not been easy. I suppose you learn to live with the pain. The physical pain that the disease hands you and the emotional pain of feeling alone at times. Many of you have no idea, but I cry sometimes because my skin hurts, or I've had nerve pain on the side of my face for so long I do not know what it is like to NOT have it. Simple things like chewing food take me twice as long because of the hurt. EVERYDAY.
I have gotten to where I can only dry my hair every few days because of the shoulder pain and popping. My fingers have started to seize up on me. Making it difficult to even type these blogs or sign my name to a receipt. Something is always cracking, oh and my favorite are the sudden flashes of nausea that have started to come and go on a daily basis. I've had very bad breast pain that I have to have checked out in a few weeks. Just at my dental appointment the other day it was, "You have great hygiene, but you are started to get some softening and receding around your gum line." I just asked what to do and said okay. Knowing from other Lymie's that it's just another Lyme thing. Some of us end up loosing teeth as the disease progresses.
NONE of this is pretty my friends. I can slab on the lip gloss and the mascara and the smiles. I can throw on the heels OR running shoes. The pain is still there. Everyday. Everywhere I go.
.....but.........my heart is finding contentment and peace. My business I have worked at for two years is finally moving along, hard feelings I have harbored against wrong doers I am finally able to start letting it go. I appreciate my lil family and what they do for me and how proud they make me day in and day out.
We just recently had an experience with an exchange student. We wanted one so that not only we could give an opportunity to a child, but so that our children would get a lesson in appreciation. Things didn't work out and he just recently left. Little did my husband and I know that we were the ones who got the lesson. We have great kids. It brought us all closer. Made me appreciate the hard work they do, and things could be so much worse. Sure, we are still missing one final piece to our family puzzle, but I have to let that go and let it work itself out. We will be a whole family again. God told me so.
I'm thankful for the health and mobility I DO have. I'm thankful for my great kids that work so hard to do write by others and keep good grades and love God. I'm thankful for my parents love and understanding. For the fact I can become and emotional wreck and just walk off and they let me and do not get angry with me. I'm thankful for my friends that check on me almost on a daily basis. That send me recordings of a prayer that a pastor has prayed over me because they asked him to. I'm thankful for feeling content in life. It has taken me my whole life to get here. I'm thankful for small blessings. They're everywhere. We just have to be quiet enough to hear them. I'm thankful for the best husband, life-partner, and soul-mate. God matched us just perfectly. I'm thankful for his support and the times he carries me. Whether it's literally carrying me because I cannot walk or carrying me because I cannot pick myself up off the ground from crying. I'm thankful for all he does to provide. I'm thankful for my loving Father and Savior. His grace and never-ending mercy he shows me everyday.
I drove away that morning after my long talk with my spiritual Daddy. I drove into dreary dark clouds as I headed home, but was reminded as I looked in my mirror that he always has my back.
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