Thanksgiving Eve Thankfulness

One long road. On one side of it there are waves. Life pushing at me. Telling me to do something, or I don't like you right now, or no calmness for you today and tomorrow isn't looking good either. On the opposite side there is calmness. All is right with the world and nothing that comes your way can break that feeling. It's quiet. There I am. Driving right down the middle of the two. 

Last week I went for a drive out along our 5 mile long fishing pier. I like going out there when I cannot seem to calm the noises in my head. It's a different world there. Alone. Just me and my God. Sure I can talk to him anywhere, and for the most part I do, but out here he talks back and I am still and quiet enough to listen. 

This blog isn't going to be about my disease. It is so much more. It is me stripped down emotionally. 

 Just because you are sick doesn't mean life stops. I can chose to lay in bed all day or push through everything so that I do not miss out on experiences with my children, my husband, family, friends. Life has not been easy. I suppose you learn to live with the pain. The physical pain that the disease hands you and the emotional pain of feeling alone at times. Many of you have no idea, but I cry sometimes because my skin hurts, or I've had nerve pain on the side of my face for so long I do not know what it is like to NOT have it. Simple things like chewing food take me twice as long because of the hurt. EVERYDAY.  

I have gotten to where I can only dry my hair every few days because of the shoulder pain and popping. My fingers have started to seize up on me. Making it difficult to even type these blogs or sign my name to a receipt. Something is always cracking, oh and my favorite are the sudden flashes of nausea that have started to come and go on a daily basis. I've had very bad breast pain that I have to have checked out in a few weeks. Just at my dental appointment the other day it was, "You have great hygiene, but you are started to get some softening and receding around your gum line." I just asked what to do and said okay. Knowing from other Lymie's that it's just another Lyme thing. Some of us end up loosing teeth as the disease progresses. 

NONE of this is pretty my friends. I can slab on the lip gloss and the mascara and the smiles. I can throw on the heels OR running shoes. The pain is still there. Everyday. Everywhere I go. 

.....but.........my heart is finding contentment and peace. My business I have worked at for two years is finally moving along, hard feelings I have harbored against wrong doers I am finally able to start letting it go. I appreciate my lil family and what they do for me and how proud they make me day in and day out. 

We just recently had an experience with an exchange student. We wanted one so that not only we could give an opportunity to a child, but so that our children would get a lesson in appreciation. Things didn't work out and he just recently left. Little did my husband and I know that we were the ones who got the lesson. We have great kids. It brought us all closer. Made me appreciate the hard work they do, and things could be so much worse. Sure, we are still missing one final piece to our family puzzle, but I have to let that go and let it work itself out. We will be a whole family again. God told me so. 

I'm thankful for the health and mobility I DO have. I'm thankful for my great kids that work so hard to do write by others and keep good grades and love God. I'm thankful for my parents love and understanding. For the fact I can become and emotional wreck and just walk off and they let me and do not get angry with me. I'm thankful for my friends that check on me almost on a daily basis. That send me recordings of a prayer that a pastor has prayed over me because they asked him to. I'm thankful for feeling content in life. It has taken me my whole life to get here. I'm thankful for small blessings. They're everywhere. We just have to be quiet enough to hear them. I'm thankful for the best husband, life-partner, and soul-mate. God matched us just perfectly. I'm thankful for his support and the times he carries me. Whether it's literally carrying me because I cannot walk or carrying me because I cannot pick myself up off the ground from crying. I'm thankful for all he does to provide. I'm thankful for my loving Father and Savior. His grace and never-ending mercy he shows me everyday. 

I drove away that morning after my long talk with my spiritual Daddy. I drove into dreary dark clouds as I headed home, but was reminded as I looked in my mirror that he always has my back. 

This Can't Be Good

I said as I woke up this morning. I am sick. Now comparing a Lymie to sick is kinda like blue cheese. You know, how do you know when blue cheese has gone bad? It already looks moldy and stinks as it is. How do you you know when a Lymie is sick? They are already pitiful as it is. It's intensified. I also do not always have a stiff neck and a golf ball stuck in my throat. My husband usually knows I'm really sick if I skip my morning java for hot tea.
I did finish painting the back and front of my house. I still have the sides to do. I'm dreading it. The weather has been beautiful. We enjoyed some hot cocoa and a fire in the backyard Friday, soccer, farmer's market, and Kemah Boardwalk on Saturday, church, a little shopping, and Sunday dinner last night. This morning, I woke up and quickly realized that swallowing, eating, and drinking will come with the price of pain today. It was one of those mornings when the hubs had to help me put my slippers on. Body aches are starting to set in.  To most it may just seem like a mild flu or cold. To me, it's death. I had very good intentions of getting some stuff done today too. Instead, I'm stuck in bed. I can feel my muscles and joints seizing     up as      I t  yp  e.

Come Monday

Monday mornings are always full of songs playing in my head. Just Another Manic Monday, Monday Monday, Come Monday...you get it.
There's nothing manic, there's nothing about Monday that will make it alright, and Monday is here to stay.
It's just another day these days. They're all really starting to run in together.  The temps have started to level out outside. No more 90's. That has helped a little bit with some of the joint pain. My feel and face feel like ice. The neuropathy in my face feels the worst it ever has. It feel like someone is streaming ice cold water down one side of my face. I cannot open my mouth all the way because on that same side my jaw locks. It's a constant pain that's made me actually think about having it broken and reset.
I have been eating gluten free and extremely low carb for a full week now. I did cheat on Halloween with some popcorn and a slice of pizza, then again yesterday with a little white rice. My skin has started to clear back up and gut problems are subsiding.
A few weeks ago I started painting the outside of our home. It is taking me forever have to break a lot. I still haven't been able to finish the back of the house because of all the up and down on the ladder and standing.  I'm very weak right now.  Kenneth works too much to find the time to do it. When he isn't working right now, he is busy closing in half of our garage for a 4th bedroom. Something we have needed for a while now.
It was becoming tiresome for me to blowdry my hair even, but I made a spot in my bedroom where I can sit on the floor and dry it. Something so small and simple has made such a difference.
High school band is winding down a tad, and fall soccer is almost over. This mama will get a chance to catch her breath for about a week before the holidays move in.