I Give Myself Permission

I have been gone a good minute. 2016 was pretty full. We graduated our oldest 2 children and only boys, our oldest daughter started driving, we had another year of soccer, and purchased our retirement property in the hill country of Texas.
We took another cruise with our boys for graduation, took our annual river trip and a few other short travels out of town.
The year flew by.  I made new friends, and learned a few things about myself over the way. I continue to grow in spirit and mind.
I have had to come to terms with a lot over the past year. Like the fact, I'm just not getting better. I have tried on my own now for 3 years (going on 4) to ignore treatment and just treat my symptoms and not my disease. Dirty fact is, the disease has started to completely override my system. I am no longer in control of what happens from day to day.  It makes it socially painful for a person who has always been a planner who now has to see where her day takes her when she wakes up.
It has become taxing. On my body, on my marriage, on my children, on my friendships. I cannot remember the last time I made it to the gym.  I am good for one meal a day. The rest of the day I am just not hungry or I am forcing myself to eat.
Amazon Prime, Netflix, podcasts have become my new buds.  That's about as far as my attention span can go right now. My short term memory is causing mild panic.
My brain races because it's full of plans and good intentions. I am stuck between shifting my energy towards my goals that I have set out for myself and the goal of just healing.
Three days ago I could not turn my head or feed my myself. Today I am spitting out words for my blog, and have my laundry going. I'm dealing with the coming to grips of whats to come. I am currently awaiting a call from a specialist to see if he will accept me as his patient or not. It is a very scary thing, this starting over.  Coming to the realization of who I used to be and realizing I will never be that person again and having to find a way to reinvent myself so that I can go on in life and be a better wife, mom, daughter, and friend is what I give myself permission to do for 2017.