I am sleepless in Texas. Again and again and again. Combination of stress and snoring I'm sure keeping me awake all night long. I'm used to the tossing and turning, but this not getting one minute of sleep all night stuff is not the business. This is the second time in a week this has happened. The "cup half full" aspect is that I should surely sleep well tonight.
Weather is getting warmer and I'm moving better. Back into the land among the living. Not feeling like a smelly, deteriorating extra on Walking Dead currently, so that is a thumbs up. Playing catch up mostly. So many things I like to do this time of the year when coming out of hibernation. Getting the yard ready, sprucing up the house, sunroof and SUN. It has got to be certain to lighten everyone's mood around here. The gym and the sauna has done great things for my mood and joints the past few weeks. There have been a few other changes as well that I will touch on in a future post to follow this post. Good days, bad days. That is not why I am here and I need to get back to my story if I want to get it out before I forget my point. I have been wanting to get this out of my mind for a few days.
The internet is flooded with what doc to see, what forum to join, what homeopathic reliefs are best, diets, awareness, articles, etc... What isn't spoken of often is the mental and emotional side to the disease. It is quite lonely at first. You are so lost. Doctors have no clue what you are talking about. Yes, I have educated some doctors on what Lyme is. Other doctors pretend to know and insist that with 6 weeks of antibiotics you are cured. I have been blessed with a Lyme specialist doctor, and another doctor who I also consider a friend who is aware and understanding of my disease.
I haven't always been the most pleasant person to be around. I have had my fair share of face first falls and regrets. Whether it was the way I treated others, or wanting revenge on those who did me wrong. I've been hated and I've been guilty of hating. I've been bitter. I have done and said things to others that deeply shames me now looking back. Finding out just how sick you are changes those things.
HATE I had no more time for it. I had to forgive. Even those who may not be deserving of it or never to this day apologized. I had to make peace for myself. My body needs every bit of energy to fight off the bad. Not welcome it.
BITTERNESS Kind of goes hand in hand with the hate right? Yes and no. Hate is deep. Bitterness is when the person that has caused the hate tries to make an attempt to make things right and you do not care. You cannot dig deep enough to understand that persons side and forgive. It spills over to others. Causes you to treat everyone with discontentment. It isn't healthy. Sick or not sick. I no longer had space for this in my heart. My heart became full of fight for my family.
TIME It is of the essence. None of us are promised tomorrow. Not even our next breath. Oh, the things we take for granted. It is just human nature for the majority to just wake up and go through the motions until something tragic happens to someone or themselves. Something that causes you to sit back and reevaluate your path and very reason for existence. Time became very precious to me. I will Carpe the hell out of the Diem now. Make the most of now. Be present.
LIFE I tell everyone I talk to that comes to me with problems to "pick and chose your battles." There are just some things not worth it in life. I recently just had to ignore and walk away from a situation because the person was someone that cannot be reasoned with. It would have been a waste of my TIME. What is worth fighting for? What is worth letting go of? If it is petty, toss it out into the proverbial goodwill pile. Picking a small battle to fight can lead to hate, bitterness, loss of time, and will deeply affect your life.
LOVE with all your heart. I love until it hurts. I lose sleep because I love so much. I want so much for my children. I do not know how long I will be around to see them fulfill those hopes and dreams. I love my family, my friends. I love my husband. Oh, for everyone to experience the love we have for each other. I watched Interstellar last night. Good movie. Mind blown. One of the things mentioned in the movie is how powerful love is. How it connects us no matter how long ago or how far into the future. Even when someone has passed on, you can still love them. It runs deeper than an emotion.
ENERGY This is one I am still learning to balance. With all of the above mentioned, it can deplete you completely of energy or it can leave you fully recharged and ready for the next day. Depending on where you place that energy. The physical side of my body has learned to rest when I need to. Take time out. Stay in bed. It is okay. The emotional side of me is still a work in progress. Something that is a personal battle with not feeling like I'm doing my part as a wife and mother unless I'm busting my butt to make everything happen. I'm not a good enough friend because I am spent by the end of the day.
Treat others with respect and dignity. Stop hating. Love. Let go of what doesn't matter. Stop being so bitter because you were dealt a bad hand. We all have battles that no one fully understands. That doesn't mean they should be punished for it. Ignore those who you cannot understand. Forgive those who do not always ask for forgiveness. Simplify. Positive energy. Stop judging others based on assumptions. Show common courtesy and compassion upon others. Ask for grace and humility.
These are the things I had to do first. These things I will always have to practice. As ebb changes so does the flow. My earthly body may not ever be 100% well again, but it shouldn't stop be from becoming better within my heart and soul.
