I Wish I was A Lazy Housewife

I'm having a rare moment of clarity this morning, so welcome to my brain dump. Got to take advantage of these windows while I can anymore!

I wasn't always blessed to be able to stay at home with my children. I had to work until my first born was 2 1/2 and his baby sister was 6 months. I have done my fair share of bringing in money when it needed to be brought in. In home child care, cakes, whatever the need be.  God has always provided. I had goals like any woman. I dreamed of the day when my kids would head back to school and I would myself head off to school and grab myself a diploma and a career. I've been called though. I've been called to be domesticated. It is the only thing I KNOW I'm good at. I can cook, clean, get 3 kids to 3 different places all at the same time, and still manage to wash my hair before the week is up. I do not regret for one moment momming and wifing. Heck, I've made threats to them that I will go find a job if they don't get it together or do their part.

Harsh reality, they're empty threats. I'll never be able to go back to work and hold down a job. I'm not dependable in that sense. The choice to do so has been robbed from me and replaced with disease and guilt.

I'm a type A personality. I have to control what is around me. If it starts to fall off pace, so do I. This makes it very difficult for someone with a chronic illness that has to live day to day. Just the simple stress of sitting here worrying about the fact that I need to do my laundry so my family doesn't have to do it for me (because it's my job) will send me into a sadness and flair up. I'm trying to put my focus on prayer and meditation when it comes to these things because it is so counterproductive of the goals I am trying to achieve health wise.  I am having to learn to let go, let others in to help, let change happen. It has not been an easy thing for me to accept.

I finally got into the doc. We've been waiting a few months and at the end of this month we will begin our long drives/flights to begin treatment again after 4 years.

Time to get my house in order. Literally and figuratively.

So, here is here I segway into my title.
I like Snapchat. It's silly fun. My kids are on it. My friends are on it. It's not the devil. I could go deeper into this subject, but oh look a squirrel.
I sent out some snaps early yesterday morning of me in my facemask with my hair wrapped in a towel and I'm in a bathrobe. I expected silly comments. What I didn't expect was a message that said, "I wish I had your life. As I sit here at work."
Ouch. Gut punch. Okay. I am blessed no doubt. I have great kids, super parents, a husband that I'm afraid will work himself to death one day for all of us.(make note because I will come back to this) We need and want for nothing. See, I snap when I feel good. I instagram a selfie when I have actually had the energy to fix myself up. Because I feel accomplished. You do NOT want to see me the other 5-6 days a week. Just the day before I was stuck in bed because the night before that, my husband had to pick me up off the bathroom floor and put me in bed. Shortly after that, I vomited. I then spent the rest of the night sweating and having tremors. I cannot recall my address on a dime most days anymore. The shooting pain, cramping, and popping is making it almost impossible to get through the day without some kind of breakdown. I can no longer read long articles or get through a movie. I'm just tired. Eating hurts. It literally burns my stomach. Oh and the guilt? My husband is working himself to death, then coming home and helping out with what are supposed to be MY responsibilities.
I shove along anyway. I may go out with him this Friday night. I may pay dearly for it on Saturday and Sunday. I may sit in weather I have no business sitting in to watch my daughter's soccer games. I may continue to give little pieces of myself and time to others that I don't really have to spare. I may continue to help in anyway I can, because being a homemaker isn't just what I do, it's who I am. I do not want life to pass me by. I've lost so much time already.
So, be very careful when you say you "wish you had my life." I wouldn't wish this disease on anyone. I WISH my excuse was that I was just a lazy and privileged housewife.

"You can't get much done in life if you only work on the days when you feel good." Jerry West

I Give Myself Permission

I have been gone a good minute. 2016 was pretty full. We graduated our oldest 2 children and only boys, our oldest daughter started driving, we had another year of soccer, and purchased our retirement property in the hill country of Texas.
We took another cruise with our boys for graduation, took our annual river trip and a few other short travels out of town.
The year flew by.  I made new friends, and learned a few things about myself over the way. I continue to grow in spirit and mind.
I have had to come to terms with a lot over the past year. Like the fact, I'm just not getting better. I have tried on my own now for 3 years (going on 4) to ignore treatment and just treat my symptoms and not my disease. Dirty fact is, the disease has started to completely override my system. I am no longer in control of what happens from day to day.  It makes it socially painful for a person who has always been a planner who now has to see where her day takes her when she wakes up.
It has become taxing. On my body, on my marriage, on my children, on my friendships. I cannot remember the last time I made it to the gym.  I am good for one meal a day. The rest of the day I am just not hungry or I am forcing myself to eat.
Amazon Prime, Netflix, podcasts have become my new buds.  That's about as far as my attention span can go right now. My short term memory is causing mild panic.
My brain races because it's full of plans and good intentions. I am stuck between shifting my energy towards my goals that I have set out for myself and the goal of just healing.
Three days ago I could not turn my head or feed my myself. Today I am spitting out words for my blog, and have my laundry going. I'm dealing with the coming to grips of whats to come. I am currently awaiting a call from a specialist to see if he will accept me as his patient or not. It is a very scary thing, this starting over.  Coming to the realization of who I used to be and realizing I will never be that person again and having to find a way to reinvent myself so that I can go on in life and be a better wife, mom, daughter, and friend is what I give myself permission to do for 2017.

Winter Detoxing and Stuff

But do you even dry brush? Detox bath? Drink lemon water? Sweat it out in a sauna?
Quick drop in. It's still cold, people are sick, joints hurt, skin is dry, here's some potential remedies. If anything pamper yourself. You owe it to YOU.
Who cares if it doesn't work. It feels AH-mazing. Dry brushing scratches my skin in a way that my nails won't and it makes it feel soft. So, here's how it's supposed to work. You get a brush. You start at the bottom of your body, at the feet and in circle/oval motions you move up the body towards the heart.


Benefits.
* Exfoliation of the dead skin cells. I could always use new and younger looking skin.
*Lymphatic circulation. Yes please. Get those toxins OUT.
*Clearer Pores. Again, what's not to like about this?
*Increased blood flow.......better circulation....heart health.....I ain't getting any younger. Another health benefit.
*Some claim cellulite reduction.
Try it. Do it. You're welcome.

Detox bath. Lymie or not. Everyone should get one of these in at LEAST twice a month. I do once a week. It consist of super duper hot water, epsom salts, baking soda, and an essential oil such as lavender. The epsom soothes the muscles and drawls out toxins, the baking soda softens the skin, the lavender because it is my favorite and if I could my master bath and master bedroom would reek of it at all times. So, whatever your favorite reek smell is, feel free to reek away.

Lemon water. It's good. It's a good way to get your water down for those that don't like to drink their daily intake. I'm still not sure if it's pseudo or not, but I'm pretty sure I can hear everything flush when I drink lemon water after I've sat in the sauna, came home and dried brushed and had a good soak in a detox bath followed by a nap.

Our bodies get a build up from the things we do to it, the stress we physically and mentally place on it. Illnesses and disease, busy schedules, the foods we put in our bodies, medications. Take time to give your body a break. The inside deserves it just as much as your nails, or a new haircut, or a foot rub. All these things are just as important. Diseased or not.  Be kind to yourself.

Wouldn't It Be Nice

That is the song that will be stuck in my head today.  Weekend was excellent. Breakfast with the parents, farmer's market, kite festival, lunch with husband, yard work, and I got to hang this beauty:

We got our new porch back in May and I'm still painting it as energy and time allow. I love the bird watching, grilling, and reading I do out there. It is my little escape. The chandelier has been the perfect addition thus far. I even managed to start on my little succulent garden. She is kinda puny at the moment, but I look forward to seeing how she grows.

I have plans for this week. Going to try to get back to the gym, do some detoxing.
I have this mental exercise I do every morning when I wake up. Having "lyme brain" causes forgetfulness and confusion more than I am willing to admit. I may forget something that happened years ago or I may forget what I was talking about mid sentence. Almost always forget where I park. I've always been a chatter box, but I find myself more and more just sitting in silence. Afraid of what I may sound like to others, I just keep my trap closed. Friends and family understand. The general public doesn't. I can see it in their face. Like either I am too wrapped up in my self to care, or I'm the girl who is "really starting to lose it".

The morning drill for me consist of me opening my eyes, taking my thyroid pill, and laying there and making a run through: What day is it, year, address, my name, my husbands name, all of my children, their birthdays, important days. I try to run through recent events. How far back can I go with my dinner. What did I eat last night, and the night before, what about the night before that? Then I scavenge for a few memories. Sometimes it is a little foggy, but they all come to me. Except dinner. I do good if I can go back 2 nights. I usually do not get past 3. Some days I am on point. I'm quick with the drill and know it will be a day of clarity. Others it is a little slow. This morning was heartbreaking.

Husband was getting ready for work. I could hear him in the bathroom. I rolled over to take my pill with my water. I rubbed my eyes, and moved enough to listen to all my joints pop and creak, Then I started. Today is Monday. Tyler Scott, Macy Elizabeth, Kenneth Ray, Amber Lynn, Elyse Nicole.
Birthdays are as follows. We made pizza on the grill last night and watched Netflix. The night before I didn't eat dinner. My husband is Kenneth Ray. We have been married for 6 years. WHO IS HE???? I know who he is. He is my husband. He isn't a stranger, but who is he?????? Where are our memories??? Does he love me? Who is he??????

NO! This isn't happening. Quick, my parents. Sandra and Gary. My brother and all his family........Got it. What the HELL is happening????

He is coming out of the bathroom. Close your eyes, Adrienne. Stop crying. He is going to come tell you goodbye and he doesn't need to think anything is wrong. Stop CRYING!!!

He knew though. He ran through memories with me, asking me if I remember our cruises. (I remember them, but I can't REMEMBER them). He asked if I remembered his marriage proposal and where we ate afterwards. Yes! He asked if I remembered how much he loves me. No. I don't know him enough right now to know how he feels, his likes and dislikes. I'm so confused. This sucks. He compared us to the movie 50 First Dates. I remember that. Made me laugh. Told me that if he has to remind me every morning he will.


Now, I have the scene stuck in my head where he plays the video for her each and every morning to the Beach Boys song Wouldn't It Be Nice.  At least something is sticking right?

OH POOP! I have eggs boiling. I'll be right back.

I obviously have mashed potatoes for brains right now. I'm sad. This isn't fun. I figured I had better blog quick before I forget. Like forgetful Lucy.  This has to be equally upsetting for him.  Lyme isnt fair. Not to the person infected or the family coping. I try to find humor in everything. I wish I had something more uplifting to share in closing. I apologize. Time for a neurologist visit and another MRI I suppose. One thing I do know is how much I love my husband. How blessed am I to have a man that is willing to take the time to be late so that he can talk me through our past? Blessed indeed.

Kristen Wiig Reenacts My Lyme Seizures

It's 4AM and 2 weeks later. I honestly didn't think I'd be back this soon. Insomnia hit me a few hours ago, husband is off to a side job, and the cats are in the next room playing parkour again. May as well share what brain activity I can with you while I can right now. I do my most lucid thinking in the wee hours as it seems.  So without further ado, I bring you my next entry.

They are back. There has been 3 now in the past week. Well, 3 notable. When you hear seizure you probably think I'm spitting pea soup and wonder why I'm not in the hospital and how come my licences hasn't been taken from me yet. You are thinking gran mal. Usually associated with Epilepsy. That is all I used to think of as well. I was pretty afraid when I first started getting these disruptions in my body. It was pretty frighting. I've mentioned before I can feel mine coming. I get a sense. Sometimes I just go blank, or I will have an aura headache, blinding brightness in my eyes or extreme vertigo. Sometimes all of my senses are super-powered right before it will happen. I will retreat to my room. Here lately, it is just happening. Not much of a warning. In the middle of the day, in the middle of sleep. I loose my ability to speak, to walk, to control my hands, swallow, breath. The difference between the type of seizure you may think of and the type I suffer from.....I am wide awake during the entire thing.

 A seizure is defined as uncontrolled electrical activity in the brain, which may produce a physical convulsion, minor physical signs, thought disturbances, or a combination of symptoms.

To help you better understand, I will explain the different types.While this is scary as all "le chiz" to my family who has witnessed these episodes, I have to bring a #funnynotfunny factor to the table. I also have to find a creative way to keep your attention. For this reason, Kristen Wiig is gonna help me out.


******{this is not intended to offend or discredited anyone's pain and suffering as myself am a pain and suffer just tryin to find my way and that is my disclaimer}

There are 2 categories for seizures. General (produced by the entire brain) & Partial (self-explanatory)
Under General there are 6 different types:

*Gran Mal~ This is the most serious and scary of them all. The one you are probably most familiar with. The patient becomes tonic and loses all consciousness for 30-60 seconds and violently jerks before possibly falling into a deep sleep. Most commonly associated with Epilepsy.  I have never experienced this. Thank you, Jesus!

*Absence~ cause a short loss of consciousness. This only last for a few seconds. Patients are usually not even aware that this has happened. Only that there has been a sense of a loss of time. So THAT is where my day has been going!!!! For reals. I just blank out. I'm proof it is possible to think of nothing.


*Myoclonic~sporadic jerks. Usually on both sides of the body. Patients usually with throw objects if holding them. GUILTY. Ummmm......Kenneth, Remember that time that fork went flying across the room when all I was trying to do was put some food in meh mouth?

 *Clonic~repetitive, rhythmic jerks that involve both sides of the body. Been there, done that. Wake up the next day feeling like I worked out the night before I'm so sore. Friends, these leave me spent. These are what I have most commonly.


*Tonic~stiffining of the muscles. My kids got to witness this in my hand just this past weekend. The day after I had a Clonic. Not to be confused with a colonic.


*Atonic~sudden and general loss of muscle tone, usually limbs. Normally results in fall. The only time I have had a problem with this one has been when I have been doing some major herxing and I just lose all muscle control. I cannot even feed myself when I get to this state.



 Partial seizures are divided into simple and complex and secondary generalized. The difference between simple and complex is that with simple, patients maintain awareness whereas complex, they lose awareness.

This area affects the motor skills, the senses, memory, emotional disturbances. Jerking, spasms, and so on.
It is not uncommon for more than one of these to occur at a time. ANY of the above.

THYROID ULTRASOUND tomorrow. It has been 2 years since my partial. If I have a clean report, I'm G2G.  I visit a new doc next week and keep pressing forward. This solitude thing is a little more somber than what I figured it would be. I mean. I think the crickets can hear crickets. 2 weeks no social media now. I'm learning stuff. Life.

Well, this is all for now. I'm off to heal today. Kristen and myself thank you and wish you a sunny weekend.


      

Drinking Your Calories (Juicing and Liquid Diets)

Juicing and green drinks seems to be the craze right now. Do you know this person? I'm guilty as charged. I think when they made this video I was their inspiration. 

A couple of years ago I did a 21 day detox.  The first part was a 3 day juice followed by 18 days of fruits and vegetables.  I already have adapted a gluten-free lifestyle, so the adjustment of giving up all of the processed foods and simple carbs wasn't a huge hurdle for me. More recently, I did (and will be repeating once a month for as long as I can) a 10 day green smoothie detox. With this being the beginning of the year, I know there are a lot of you looking to jump start your diet or you are looking for a healthier you.  Nutrition is key. As someone with sensitivities, I pay dearly when I eat poorly. By poorly, I mean breads, pasta, sweets, soda, iced tea, too much dairy.  I may not be taking in enough calories right now due to total lack of appetite with this current flair, and that is a different subject for a different day. It is the weekend and I do not feel like being judged on something I preach. So, do as I say not as I do and we will be BFF's foreva.

So, what are the benefits of liquid diets? I found that by slowly eliminating certain foods from my diet that I rid my body of wanting them.  I see a reduction in water retention, re-flux and or heartburn, cramps, clearer skin, you may even notice inflammation relief and better sleep.  You will see a typical weight loss of probably 5-10 lb so that's a bonus right? The gut gets a much needed break from breaking down all of those solids. Nutrition is immediately delivered to the right places in our body and we are able to quickly release what is not needed.

So, which do I prefer? Well they both allow you to eat. The 21 day can not be modified. You have to stick to the exact diet. The first 3 days can be a challenge since you are juicing every meal. When juicing you also lose a lot of the fibrous nutrients and some of the vitamins found in the skins or meal of our fruits and veggies. Juicing is strictly keeping the liquid and spitting out the rest of the fruit or vegetable. When blending.......you are retaining the key nutrients and it is also helping you to stay fuller longer. Now, the 21 day detox, you only juice for the first 3 days and then you are on a vegetarian diet the next 18 days. The 10 day detox you are drinking at least 2 out of 3 meals. I found the 10 day easier to stick to and the husband even participated.

Equipment needed for juicing? A juicer. Can be messy too. Equipment needed for green smoothies? A Nutribullet (although it may take a little while to mix it all up due to the size) or a high powered blender. I use a ninja. Vitamix is also recommended.

Pinterest also has a plethora of tips and recipes.

PLEASE NOTE , when juicing DO NOT use the apple seeds.  Apple seeds when ingested are known to release Cyanide into the body.

21 Day Detox-

3 Day Juice Recipe

5 carrots
1/2 green apple
4 oz (hand full) spinach
4 oz parsley
1/2 red beet 
1 cucumber
(1/2 lemon, slice of ginger root, or walnuts may be added for flavor)

For 3 days drink 16-24 oz 3 times a day as a meal replacement.
Drink lots of water. You may juice as often as necessary. 

The next 18 days consume fruits and vegetables. A boiled egg per day may be consumed for protein. No dairy, no alcohol, no sugar or sugar substitutes, no coffee, sodas, etc...Herbal teas may be consumed. 8-10 glasses of water a day (or just water jug chug). Olive oil and vinegar for salad dressing. Feel free to add lemon, lime, cucumber, and mint to your water. This helps aid in flushing. 


10 Day Green Smoothie Detox-

This is a PDF and due to the fact that it was given to me, I only email copies of this out. It is 100% free. No catch. I promise. If you are interested in obtaining it from me, you can just email me Here 


I'm happy for the weekend. Tomorrow is not only Valentine's Day, but also my 6th Anniversary. I'm very blessed to be celebrating love day with him. He is my rock. My biggest support and fan. The days I think I can't make it or I cannot walk, he is there to literally carry me. He has sacrificed more than I ever have or will deserve. He is who tells me "Yes you can." when I say "No I can't." I love him so.

Claritin Sees Profits Skyrocket

I'm sure most of the Lyme community has by now seen the article discussing the study conducted involving Claritin. If you missed it you can click HERE to read it.

Now, I'm not going to run out and load up on loratadine just yet, but if they are looking to move past the test tube and are ready to study the effects on people, then I'll be your Huckleberry.

What I do predict is a super-loratadine in the future. I have already shared this thought with some of my fellow Lymies. Claritin is currently OTC (over the counter). Well, that isn't going to work for the pharmaceutical and insurance companies. After all, they are the ones who have made it damn near impossible for a Lyme patient to acquire affordable treatment.

Basically, the loratadine causes blockers which causes the bacteria to starve.
I currently attempt to starve the pesky bacteria by not consuming gluten and sugars. My love for (and the 12 bottles that my husband has shipped to us every 3 months) of red wine and the occasional pizza sometimes gets in the way of that.  Who doesn't love a little fatness in their life from time to time?

In other news: Spring needs to be on it's way. My tree in my front yard is full of budding little pollen balls. There has been sunshine the past few days. Allowing me to get out and move a little more. Although, there was a report of us falling back into the 30's next week. I'm over it already. I don't cry over spilled milk, but I did cry over the cold front approaching. I'm becoming quite cantankerous.
I feel like I'm just banging my head against the brick now. Not only am I having to live day to day. So does my family. It's all we are given though right?

This post is going to be short today. Almost as short as my tolerance has become. So in closing. I was scrolling through my Instagram a bit ago and another Lymie posted a picture and it reminded me to address it. Peeps, doctors, and countrymen.....it is called Lyme. NOT Lyme's. It is not possessing anything except my body. It is not named after someone. Just Lyme.

Making Zucchini Cheese (Try At Your Own Risk)

Am I the only one that can get lost in the streaming never-ending universe of Pinterest pinning?  It is my go to. You can link up to shop, find out how to organize any nook and cranny of your house, learn how to build a tiny home, the perfect cat eye eyeliner and even build and outdoor kitchen for under $100 with some recycled toilet paper rolls and an old oven rack. Okay. Perhaps I'm stretching the last one out a bit. But you can do some pretty wicked cool art with those left over toilet paper rolls according to this pin here.

And while I enjoy the art of re purposing, there are somethings I'd rather just throw out with the rest of the biodegradable possibilities.
What does any of this have to do with Lyme or Zucchini you ask? I'm getting to that. Just humor me for a few more lines.
When you search for toilet paper roll art you may come across toilet paper origami. I chase rabbits. Pinterest allows it. This just might be something I take up on my days when I can only lay. How rad would this be for a party trick? Just leaving random tp flowers in every one's bathroom. Move over little sanitary paper triangle.

Back to my subject. I am really big on healing my gut right now. Lyme bacteria loves sugar and wheat products. I am doing my best to put the good stuff in. I'd say about 90% of the time. Whole foods. Natural foods. No sugar no gluten wagon type stuff. So, I have seen several pins of interest about the glorified cheese textured zucchini. I do not do raw zucchini. My mama used to put them in salad. What a let down when you think it's a crisp refreshing cucumber only to find out that it is a crunchy tasteless impostor. It wasn't until going sans gluten did I start eating it again. Even in my tortilla soup I will push it to the side. Now as a noodle sub using the Veggetti the green squash cucumber doppelganger is the bomb.

So, why not as cheese? Simple enough. Looks yummy enough. I accept the challenge. Here is the popular pin Zucchini Cheese for those interesting. Pretty right? Adorned with an anti-pasta background.

i mean, imagine being able to eat cheese with no guilt! Time to grub. So I made mine. Even with the fresh parsley. It turned out pretty enough. You think? Nailed it right?

Now for the taste test. I didn't expect a nice Havarti or a well aged cheddar texture. What I did expect was a creamy texture similar to maybe a little teaser wedge of laughing cow. Here is what I got. You know that mouth-watering you get when.........you're fixing to vomit? I couldn't even swallow it. I don't know if it is just because my appetite is non-existent right now, the spongy gelatinous texture, or if it is actually a goopy cheesy load of crap disguised as something good for me.  I almost gagged just cutting it up to snap a presentation picture for you. The husband says it's not that bad. Well, it's not that good either. Not even a little. Have you ever tried this? Do you think you would? If you do, let me know what you think. As for me and this house, we will continue to do the dairy cheese under my other 10% of not having a totally clean diet. Somethings should just not be altered.
On a side note. Had a great weekend. Had a good cry last night. Sleeping harder than usual. I Washed and vacuumed my car today. Little achievements are big accomplishments!

Would you be my Pinterest Pal? You can find me here!

Visit Adrienne's profile on Pinterest.

The Weight of Guilt

Ingrid Michaelson sang it so gracefully in her song titled "Keep Breathing". 

 The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing.All we can do is keep breathing 


Such a heavy-hearted feeling I am having today. Guilt and shame. As my text messages are filled with encouragement and I hear my children and family ask every day how I am doing, how tired are they all of me? I'm the doer. I am the one who is supposed to be taking care of others. I am the one who should be giving my time. Not the other way around. I've never really been good at accepting help. I am more of a "I'm good" kinda person when asked. I do not often see the point in going into detail on how things are REALLY going or what it is that I really need.

I'm sure my peers either believe I'm okay or just don't ask anymore because I'm gonna turn them down anyway.

The truth of it all is that I never intended to be a burden to anyone. My husband and I communicate throughout the day. I'm sure most spouses do. Technology makes it easy. I have realized that over the past 5 weeks now, my messages to him are how bad I hurt. That I sound like Rice Crispies when I move. I'm sick to my stomach. My head hurts so bad that my whole body has a pulse right now. Jesus, I don't know why he even asks. I'd be pretty annoyed with me if I were him. I mean, he didn't sign up for this. I'm supposed to have laundry done, a clean house, a fridge and pantry full, dinner waiting when he comes home. I should be able to do for myself all day everyday.  It is just my role as his helpmate and me staying home while he works. He tends to the job, I tend to the home. The old American June Cleaver way. Yet, here I am another day looking at a plum colored ceiling, realizing that there is no hope for daytime television even if you have over 800 channels. Resisting I am the temptation to go take a hot bath after being teased yesterday for being part mermaid. Baths are the only relief I get right now. Just give me lavender anything, my chamomile tea, and a heating pad instead.

Some reading this may or may not understand what it is like to be constantly ill.  It is deeper than just the physical pain. I feel great emotional pain too. Time is passing me by. What am I giving to others that they will remember? What work load am I easing from the shoulders of my spouse? Am I managing to be there enough for my kids? Am I making them all worry too much? The weight of the guilt and shame is heavy. Before you even say it......I know it is not my fault. I know it is out of my control. The light at the end just looks bleak right now. I appreciate simple strength and the small things I am able to do day to day. I am also blessed beyond measure if I haven't mentioned it before for the man God blessed me with. His compassion is the type we should all strive for. He loves me and my inability to be Suzy Homemaker. That is real love.

I'm certain my cats are pissed at me for not allowing them to lay with me during the day. The two of them enjoy swinging from my fan though and playing peek-a-boo from behind my curtains and as my pain tolerance is diminishing, so is my tolerance for other things. If those frisky felines were in here with me, I would have a completely different entry to write about that would probably cause PETA to come and hunt me down.

New Year Same Setbacks

It has been a while since I last posted, I have kept busy and Lyme has been something I have tried to push to the back of my mind. I spent 2014 doing many things. I started school to get my certification in Personal Training and Fitness Nutrition. I am still finishing those up. I spent a lot of time in the gym. Traveled. Two cruises and an unbelievable trip with my father and brother to the California Redwoods.  Have you ever seen the redwoods??? Holy SHMOLY! They're huge. The northern Pacific coast is a sight to behold too. I just like beaches. The scenery and sky scape is never the same. Forever changing.

Just like life.

October my shoulders started popping, I had an arthrogram MRI done on my left shoulder. It was waking me at night. I was in a lot of pain. I had just started instructing a PIYO class too. My workout game was strong. Verdict was that I had severe tendon fraying and inflammation. I stood in the kitchen and just looked at my husband and cried. We knew this was going to happen. My ligaments and tendons are going to wear down. Two years ago I had a nerve conduction test done, and the beginning of neuropathy was starting in my arms. But why now? I'm not ready. I figured I had at least a good 10 years. I have been doing everything right. Working out, eating right, taking care of myself.

I'm fixing to start collecting the tickets now for all those aboard the pity train express.
No pictures or quotes for this blog entry. Just rawness.

My workout game started dwindling. Holidays took it out of me. Always do. Week after New Years I was in bed. That is where I have spent the majority of my year since. I have not been able to work out. I have managed to save my energy for a few tasks a day. Either light housework or cooking. Soccer game. Dinner date or visiting with friends or family. Church, Even when I bathe has to be planned due to the fact that it leaves me drained. Driving has become limited. Simple skills don't just happen right now.  None of it has been easy. There hasn't been one day go by that I haven't cried because of pain and frustration. I feel lonely. It is a lonely that I do not expect anyone to understand. It isn't a lonely that can be filled with company or encouraging words.

Eating has become almost non-existent. I manage to have one meal a day. The rest of my diet has included yogurt, juicing, kombucha, keifer, and LOTS of hot tea.

The headaches and jaw pain, locked knees if I sit too long, back pain that is so bad that it makes breathing miserable, foot pain that is like walking on sharp rocks, cold blood, loss of simple motor skills at times. convulsions, and my favorite.......neuropathy. Blue toes. Numbness. It goes on and on.

I'd like to think that I still have some cognitive skills. That may even be arguable though. Just don't tell me. Oh hell, tell me. I'll forget anyway. Makes it hard for me to hold a grudge when I can't remember what it was about.

Admitting that I have relapsed hard was a very difficult thing for me to admit to myself. I'm very stubborn. Type A.

So, now what? As of now, I am detoxing like a boss. Only the good has been going in my body. When I have had anything like a gluten, I pay for it dearly. I am eating very clean for that reason. If I'm not eating, I'm at least trying to get the proper probiotics and nutrition into my body. I'm resting the majority of the day. I am taking detox baths about 3-4 times a week. Dry brushing. Just taking it day by day. The doctor is going to be making a comeback though. I am in my 5th week now of trying to do this on my own. I have been in denial.

I'm afraid. I know where I was before during treatment. I will opt for IV treatment this time around. I'm terrified actually. I am not sure I have the courage to face this. My poor family. I am so sorry. From the deepest part of my heart.