I Give Myself Permission

I have been gone a good minute. 2016 was pretty full. We graduated our oldest 2 children and only boys, our oldest daughter started driving, we had another year of soccer, and purchased our retirement property in the hill country of Texas.
We took another cruise with our boys for graduation, took our annual river trip and a few other short travels out of town.
The year flew by.  I made new friends, and learned a few things about myself over the way. I continue to grow in spirit and mind.
I have had to come to terms with a lot over the past year. Like the fact, I'm just not getting better. I have tried on my own now for 3 years (going on 4) to ignore treatment and just treat my symptoms and not my disease. Dirty fact is, the disease has started to completely override my system. I am no longer in control of what happens from day to day.  It makes it socially painful for a person who has always been a planner who now has to see where her day takes her when she wakes up.
It has become taxing. On my body, on my marriage, on my children, on my friendships. I cannot remember the last time I made it to the gym.  I am good for one meal a day. The rest of the day I am just not hungry or I am forcing myself to eat.
Amazon Prime, Netflix, podcasts have become my new buds.  That's about as far as my attention span can go right now. My short term memory is causing mild panic.
My brain races because it's full of plans and good intentions. I am stuck between shifting my energy towards my goals that I have set out for myself and the goal of just healing.
Three days ago I could not turn my head or feed my myself. Today I am spitting out words for my blog, and have my laundry going. I'm dealing with the coming to grips of whats to come. I am currently awaiting a call from a specialist to see if he will accept me as his patient or not. It is a very scary thing, this starting over.  Coming to the realization of who I used to be and realizing I will never be that person again and having to find a way to reinvent myself so that I can go on in life and be a better wife, mom, daughter, and friend is what I give myself permission to do for 2017.

Winter Detoxing and Stuff

But do you even dry brush? Detox bath? Drink lemon water? Sweat it out in a sauna?
Quick drop in. It's still cold, people are sick, joints hurt, skin is dry, here's some potential remedies. If anything pamper yourself. You owe it to YOU.
Who cares if it doesn't work. It feels AH-mazing. Dry brushing scratches my skin in a way that my nails won't and it makes it feel soft. So, here's how it's supposed to work. You get a brush. You start at the bottom of your body, at the feet and in circle/oval motions you move up the body towards the heart.


Benefits.
* Exfoliation of the dead skin cells. I could always use new and younger looking skin.
*Lymphatic circulation. Yes please. Get those toxins OUT.
*Clearer Pores. Again, what's not to like about this?
*Increased blood flow.......better circulation....heart health.....I ain't getting any younger. Another health benefit.
*Some claim cellulite reduction.
Try it. Do it. You're welcome.

Detox bath. Lymie or not. Everyone should get one of these in at LEAST twice a month. I do once a week. It consist of super duper hot water, epsom salts, baking soda, and an essential oil such as lavender. The epsom soothes the muscles and drawls out toxins, the baking soda softens the skin, the lavender because it is my favorite and if I could my master bath and master bedroom would reek of it at all times. So, whatever your favorite reek smell is, feel free to reek away.

Lemon water. It's good. It's a good way to get your water down for those that don't like to drink their daily intake. I'm still not sure if it's pseudo or not, but I'm pretty sure I can hear everything flush when I drink lemon water after I've sat in the sauna, came home and dried brushed and had a good soak in a detox bath followed by a nap.

Our bodies get a build up from the things we do to it, the stress we physically and mentally place on it. Illnesses and disease, busy schedules, the foods we put in our bodies, medications. Take time to give your body a break. The inside deserves it just as much as your nails, or a new haircut, or a foot rub. All these things are just as important. Diseased or not.  Be kind to yourself.

Kristen Wiig Reenacts My Lyme Seizures

It's 4AM and 2 weeks later. I honestly didn't think I'd be back this soon. Insomnia hit me a few hours ago, husband is off to a side job, and the cats are in the next room playing parkour again. May as well share what brain activity I can with you while I can right now. I do my most lucid thinking in the wee hours as it seems.  So without further ado, I bring you my next entry.

They are back. There has been 3 now in the past week. Well, 3 notable. When you hear seizure you probably think I'm spitting pea soup and wonder why I'm not in the hospital and how come my licences hasn't been taken from me yet. You are thinking gran mal. Usually associated with Epilepsy. That is all I used to think of as well. I was pretty afraid when I first started getting these disruptions in my body. It was pretty frighting. I've mentioned before I can feel mine coming. I get a sense. Sometimes I just go blank, or I will have an aura headache, blinding brightness in my eyes or extreme vertigo. Sometimes all of my senses are super-powered right before it will happen. I will retreat to my room. Here lately, it is just happening. Not much of a warning. In the middle of the day, in the middle of sleep. I loose my ability to speak, to walk, to control my hands, swallow, breath. The difference between the type of seizure you may think of and the type I suffer from.....I am wide awake during the entire thing.

 A seizure is defined as uncontrolled electrical activity in the brain, which may produce a physical convulsion, minor physical signs, thought disturbances, or a combination of symptoms.

To help you better understand, I will explain the different types.While this is scary as all "le chiz" to my family who has witnessed these episodes, I have to bring a #funnynotfunny factor to the table. I also have to find a creative way to keep your attention. For this reason, Kristen Wiig is gonna help me out.


******{this is not intended to offend or discredited anyone's pain and suffering as myself am a pain and suffer just tryin to find my way and that is my disclaimer}

There are 2 categories for seizures. General (produced by the entire brain) & Partial (self-explanatory)
Under General there are 6 different types:

*Gran Mal~ This is the most serious and scary of them all. The one you are probably most familiar with. The patient becomes tonic and loses all consciousness for 30-60 seconds and violently jerks before possibly falling into a deep sleep. Most commonly associated with Epilepsy.  I have never experienced this. Thank you, Jesus!

*Absence~ cause a short loss of consciousness. This only last for a few seconds. Patients are usually not even aware that this has happened. Only that there has been a sense of a loss of time. So THAT is where my day has been going!!!! For reals. I just blank out. I'm proof it is possible to think of nothing.


*Myoclonic~sporadic jerks. Usually on both sides of the body. Patients usually with throw objects if holding them. GUILTY. Ummmm......Kenneth, Remember that time that fork went flying across the room when all I was trying to do was put some food in meh mouth?

 *Clonic~repetitive, rhythmic jerks that involve both sides of the body. Been there, done that. Wake up the next day feeling like I worked out the night before I'm so sore. Friends, these leave me spent. These are what I have most commonly.


*Tonic~stiffining of the muscles. My kids got to witness this in my hand just this past weekend. The day after I had a Clonic. Not to be confused with a colonic.


*Atonic~sudden and general loss of muscle tone, usually limbs. Normally results in fall. The only time I have had a problem with this one has been when I have been doing some major herxing and I just lose all muscle control. I cannot even feed myself when I get to this state.



 Partial seizures are divided into simple and complex and secondary generalized. The difference between simple and complex is that with simple, patients maintain awareness whereas complex, they lose awareness.

This area affects the motor skills, the senses, memory, emotional disturbances. Jerking, spasms, and so on.
It is not uncommon for more than one of these to occur at a time. ANY of the above.

THYROID ULTRASOUND tomorrow. It has been 2 years since my partial. If I have a clean report, I'm G2G.  I visit a new doc next week and keep pressing forward. This solitude thing is a little more somber than what I figured it would be. I mean. I think the crickets can hear crickets. 2 weeks no social media now. I'm learning stuff. Life.

Well, this is all for now. I'm off to heal today. Kristen and myself thank you and wish you a sunny weekend.