I Wish I was A Lazy Housewife

I'm having a rare moment of clarity this morning, so welcome to my brain dump. Got to take advantage of these windows while I can anymore!

I wasn't always blessed to be able to stay at home with my children. I had to work until my first born was 2 1/2 and his baby sister was 6 months. I have done my fair share of bringing in money when it needed to be brought in. In home child care, cakes, whatever the need be.  God has always provided. I had goals like any woman. I dreamed of the day when my kids would head back to school and I would myself head off to school and grab myself a diploma and a career. I've been called though. I've been called to be domesticated. It is the only thing I KNOW I'm good at. I can cook, clean, get 3 kids to 3 different places all at the same time, and still manage to wash my hair before the week is up. I do not regret for one moment momming and wifing. Heck, I've made threats to them that I will go find a job if they don't get it together or do their part.

Harsh reality, they're empty threats. I'll never be able to go back to work and hold down a job. I'm not dependable in that sense. The choice to do so has been robbed from me and replaced with disease and guilt.

I'm a type A personality. I have to control what is around me. If it starts to fall off pace, so do I. This makes it very difficult for someone with a chronic illness that has to live day to day. Just the simple stress of sitting here worrying about the fact that I need to do my laundry so my family doesn't have to do it for me (because it's my job) will send me into a sadness and flair up. I'm trying to put my focus on prayer and meditation when it comes to these things because it is so counterproductive of the goals I am trying to achieve health wise.  I am having to learn to let go, let others in to help, let change happen. It has not been an easy thing for me to accept.

I finally got into the doc. We've been waiting a few months and at the end of this month we will begin our long drives/flights to begin treatment again after 4 years.

Time to get my house in order. Literally and figuratively.

So, here is here I segway into my title.
I like Snapchat. It's silly fun. My kids are on it. My friends are on it. It's not the devil. I could go deeper into this subject, but oh look a squirrel.
I sent out some snaps early yesterday morning of me in my facemask with my hair wrapped in a towel and I'm in a bathrobe. I expected silly comments. What I didn't expect was a message that said, "I wish I had your life. As I sit here at work."
Ouch. Gut punch. Okay. I am blessed no doubt. I have great kids, super parents, a husband that I'm afraid will work himself to death one day for all of us.(make note because I will come back to this) We need and want for nothing. See, I snap when I feel good. I instagram a selfie when I have actually had the energy to fix myself up. Because I feel accomplished. You do NOT want to see me the other 5-6 days a week. Just the day before I was stuck in bed because the night before that, my husband had to pick me up off the bathroom floor and put me in bed. Shortly after that, I vomited. I then spent the rest of the night sweating and having tremors. I cannot recall my address on a dime most days anymore. The shooting pain, cramping, and popping is making it almost impossible to get through the day without some kind of breakdown. I can no longer read long articles or get through a movie. I'm just tired. Eating hurts. It literally burns my stomach. Oh and the guilt? My husband is working himself to death, then coming home and helping out with what are supposed to be MY responsibilities.
I shove along anyway. I may go out with him this Friday night. I may pay dearly for it on Saturday and Sunday. I may sit in weather I have no business sitting in to watch my daughter's soccer games. I may continue to give little pieces of myself and time to others that I don't really have to spare. I may continue to help in anyway I can, because being a homemaker isn't just what I do, it's who I am. I do not want life to pass me by. I've lost so much time already.
So, be very careful when you say you "wish you had my life." I wouldn't wish this disease on anyone. I WISH my excuse was that I was just a lazy and privileged housewife.

"You can't get much done in life if you only work on the days when you feel good." Jerry West

I Give Myself Permission

I have been gone a good minute. 2016 was pretty full. We graduated our oldest 2 children and only boys, our oldest daughter started driving, we had another year of soccer, and purchased our retirement property in the hill country of Texas.
We took another cruise with our boys for graduation, took our annual river trip and a few other short travels out of town.
The year flew by.  I made new friends, and learned a few things about myself over the way. I continue to grow in spirit and mind.
I have had to come to terms with a lot over the past year. Like the fact, I'm just not getting better. I have tried on my own now for 3 years (going on 4) to ignore treatment and just treat my symptoms and not my disease. Dirty fact is, the disease has started to completely override my system. I am no longer in control of what happens from day to day.  It makes it socially painful for a person who has always been a planner who now has to see where her day takes her when she wakes up.
It has become taxing. On my body, on my marriage, on my children, on my friendships. I cannot remember the last time I made it to the gym.  I am good for one meal a day. The rest of the day I am just not hungry or I am forcing myself to eat.
Amazon Prime, Netflix, podcasts have become my new buds.  That's about as far as my attention span can go right now. My short term memory is causing mild panic.
My brain races because it's full of plans and good intentions. I am stuck between shifting my energy towards my goals that I have set out for myself and the goal of just healing.
Three days ago I could not turn my head or feed my myself. Today I am spitting out words for my blog, and have my laundry going. I'm dealing with the coming to grips of whats to come. I am currently awaiting a call from a specialist to see if he will accept me as his patient or not. It is a very scary thing, this starting over.  Coming to the realization of who I used to be and realizing I will never be that person again and having to find a way to reinvent myself so that I can go on in life and be a better wife, mom, daughter, and friend is what I give myself permission to do for 2017.

Winter Detoxing and Stuff

But do you even dry brush? Detox bath? Drink lemon water? Sweat it out in a sauna?
Quick drop in. It's still cold, people are sick, joints hurt, skin is dry, here's some potential remedies. If anything pamper yourself. You owe it to YOU.
Who cares if it doesn't work. It feels AH-mazing. Dry brushing scratches my skin in a way that my nails won't and it makes it feel soft. So, here's how it's supposed to work. You get a brush. You start at the bottom of your body, at the feet and in circle/oval motions you move up the body towards the heart.


Benefits.
* Exfoliation of the dead skin cells. I could always use new and younger looking skin.
*Lymphatic circulation. Yes please. Get those toxins OUT.
*Clearer Pores. Again, what's not to like about this?
*Increased blood flow.......better circulation....heart health.....I ain't getting any younger. Another health benefit.
*Some claim cellulite reduction.
Try it. Do it. You're welcome.

Detox bath. Lymie or not. Everyone should get one of these in at LEAST twice a month. I do once a week. It consist of super duper hot water, epsom salts, baking soda, and an essential oil such as lavender. The epsom soothes the muscles and drawls out toxins, the baking soda softens the skin, the lavender because it is my favorite and if I could my master bath and master bedroom would reek of it at all times. So, whatever your favorite reek smell is, feel free to reek away.

Lemon water. It's good. It's a good way to get your water down for those that don't like to drink their daily intake. I'm still not sure if it's pseudo or not, but I'm pretty sure I can hear everything flush when I drink lemon water after I've sat in the sauna, came home and dried brushed and had a good soak in a detox bath followed by a nap.

Our bodies get a build up from the things we do to it, the stress we physically and mentally place on it. Illnesses and disease, busy schedules, the foods we put in our bodies, medications. Take time to give your body a break. The inside deserves it just as much as your nails, or a new haircut, or a foot rub. All these things are just as important. Diseased or not.  Be kind to yourself.

Throwing It Back Thursday

Happy New Year to you all. I have been on some kind of a hiatus. I know. 2015 was rough. I made it though. 2016 is the year of the milestone for our family. We have 2 boys graduating. One going to college one to the Navy. One daughter turning 16, one 13. Daddy turns 70, hubby 40. Lots of changes on the way and I am embracing all the changes.

I think I have created a journal for every project I have in store. I DID complete my certification Fitness Nutrition and Personal Training. What is around the corner? Just stay tuned here.

I still have Lyme. Sorry. I'm learning to manage the symptoms though. Dealing with the effects as they happen. I will not get into all of that at this time, for that's not what this post is about.

When I first started my blog I had every intention of it being solely focused on my fight with Lyme, but I have found that there is such a need and thirst in the community for encouragement and I want to be that light. I want to be the hope. Allow you in my life. Yes, I have a disease. I have days that are like death, but it makes the days that I'm well like being on top of the world. I'll be allowing you into my life more on a manageable aspect. Some people don't give any F's. Well, I give a lot. Faith. Family. Friends. Food. Fitness. Focus. So here is to a reFRESHing new year and here is my throwback for Thursday.

We are a blended family. I have my 2 from a previous marriage and his 3 from his. My children's father is remarried. There were defiantly road bumps in the begining. Anger, jealousy, miscommunication. You name it. The norm. I got to a point where I had to let it all go. The step-mom doesn't know this. I do not even know if she reads this or ever has. So here goes my confession. Almost to the date last year I made it my reso to be kind. Let IT go. Whatever it was. Not let people or small stuff get to me. I was faced with my first test. I was on my way to one of my daughter's first high school soccer games and stopped by our local Starbucks drive through. As I pulled away I saw her. The step-mom in line. Tap tap tap on my shoulder. Dangit. Okay. I gotchya. I parked. I ran in. I explained to the barista that the woman in the Kia....whatever she was ordering, I was paying for. BUT I needed to hurry up, because I did NOT want her to see me. I never said a word about it. When I handed over my payment, I handed over any hurt, anger, resentment, jeoulsy, ill feelings with my money.  Never looked back.

Here we are a year later. My daughter just experienced her first heartbreak. I have cried I think as much as her just watching her hurt. Last night was her night to stay with her dad. She was with me while her breakup happened. I explained to her step-mom what happened. I couldn't even manage to call her because I had been crying so much. She called me and with tears in her voice informed me she was on her way over with my daughter's bags and wanted to know what we wanted from Starbucks. A year later.

Healing doean't happen over night. It doesn't happen the way we always want it to. Sometimes we have to keep our eyes and hearts open and accept it when it does happen. 

I've never regretted the chances I've taken. Only the ones I never took.

Wouldn't It Be Nice

That is the song that will be stuck in my head today.  Weekend was excellent. Breakfast with the parents, farmer's market, kite festival, lunch with husband, yard work, and I got to hang this beauty:

We got our new porch back in May and I'm still painting it as energy and time allow. I love the bird watching, grilling, and reading I do out there. It is my little escape. The chandelier has been the perfect addition thus far. I even managed to start on my little succulent garden. She is kinda puny at the moment, but I look forward to seeing how she grows.

I have plans for this week. Going to try to get back to the gym, do some detoxing.
I have this mental exercise I do every morning when I wake up. Having "lyme brain" causes forgetfulness and confusion more than I am willing to admit. I may forget something that happened years ago or I may forget what I was talking about mid sentence. Almost always forget where I park. I've always been a chatter box, but I find myself more and more just sitting in silence. Afraid of what I may sound like to others, I just keep my trap closed. Friends and family understand. The general public doesn't. I can see it in their face. Like either I am too wrapped up in my self to care, or I'm the girl who is "really starting to lose it".

The morning drill for me consist of me opening my eyes, taking my thyroid pill, and laying there and making a run through: What day is it, year, address, my name, my husbands name, all of my children, their birthdays, important days. I try to run through recent events. How far back can I go with my dinner. What did I eat last night, and the night before, what about the night before that? Then I scavenge for a few memories. Sometimes it is a little foggy, but they all come to me. Except dinner. I do good if I can go back 2 nights. I usually do not get past 3. Some days I am on point. I'm quick with the drill and know it will be a day of clarity. Others it is a little slow. This morning was heartbreaking.

Husband was getting ready for work. I could hear him in the bathroom. I rolled over to take my pill with my water. I rubbed my eyes, and moved enough to listen to all my joints pop and creak, Then I started. Today is Monday. Tyler Scott, Macy Elizabeth, Kenneth Ray, Amber Lynn, Elyse Nicole.
Birthdays are as follows. We made pizza on the grill last night and watched Netflix. The night before I didn't eat dinner. My husband is Kenneth Ray. We have been married for 6 years. WHO IS HE???? I know who he is. He is my husband. He isn't a stranger, but who is he?????? Where are our memories??? Does he love me? Who is he??????

NO! This isn't happening. Quick, my parents. Sandra and Gary. My brother and all his family........Got it. What the HELL is happening????

He is coming out of the bathroom. Close your eyes, Adrienne. Stop crying. He is going to come tell you goodbye and he doesn't need to think anything is wrong. Stop CRYING!!!

He knew though. He ran through memories with me, asking me if I remember our cruises. (I remember them, but I can't REMEMBER them). He asked if I remembered his marriage proposal and where we ate afterwards. Yes! He asked if I remembered how much he loves me. No. I don't know him enough right now to know how he feels, his likes and dislikes. I'm so confused. This sucks. He compared us to the movie 50 First Dates. I remember that. Made me laugh. Told me that if he has to remind me every morning he will.


Now, I have the scene stuck in my head where he plays the video for her each and every morning to the Beach Boys song Wouldn't It Be Nice.  At least something is sticking right?

OH POOP! I have eggs boiling. I'll be right back.

I obviously have mashed potatoes for brains right now. I'm sad. This isn't fun. I figured I had better blog quick before I forget. Like forgetful Lucy.  This has to be equally upsetting for him.  Lyme isnt fair. Not to the person infected or the family coping. I try to find humor in everything. I wish I had something more uplifting to share in closing. I apologize. Time for a neurologist visit and another MRI I suppose. One thing I do know is how much I love my husband. How blessed am I to have a man that is willing to take the time to be late so that he can talk me through our past? Blessed indeed.